Another Year In The Bag…

Hey,

As the end of 2014 dawns upon us I figured it was time to reflect on this year… at least in anticipation of the new year. That’s what people do don’t they? Fucked if I know but I’m gonna do it anyway.

It was a year of great progress and serious setbacks. I’m going to try to focus on the positives if I can but I make no promises.

It was a year where I discovered even more about myself than I have before. I can honestly say in a lot of ways I’m in a far greater place at least in regards to understanding myself… but also I’ve regressed in some areas to my own shame even if it’s undeserved.

This year I breathed fire onto a love I’d long accepted was dead and I’m not even entirely sure I should have. But who can say for sure what will happen. but I cannot deny that it has brought me to life in ways I had forgotten. Of course the negatives that always come from not knowing if my feelings are reciprocated are the overwhelming insecurity I’ve tried so hard to overcome from my everyday life. With every new discovery about myself and what I am capable of, came new ways to frighten myself and also exciting and new opportunities to prove myself to those who I love and respect.

I found the ability to write again. My inspiration of course mostly comes from my emotions but I also found its very cathartic and it’s an amazing thing that I know for certain I can do well. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever had confidence in my own abilities. But something is different now. I have discovered my confidence and I know for certain that I have something to offer. I don’t want to change the world, just make the lives of someone better, even if only for a moment.

You see this year I discovered a secret.

All my anxiety and stress and crippling doubt and fears are not because of all the things that happened to me. Not a byproduct of all the sex, drugs and alcohol I dove into to hide from my pain… It’s all born from inside me. It’s a part of me and there is no changing that. It is a part of me, but yet it does not define me. Having Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t mean I’m broken or that no one will ever be able to love me. It is what makes me different. It is what makes ME special.

The fact that I feel in extremes can be amazing. I care for people with such an amazing amount once they passed the walls, and when I fall for someone, on those rare occasions when I really and totally fall, it’s like walking on sunshine. I’m sure it feels great for everyone, but at the same time, it can’t even begin to touch how it feels to be me. To feel things like I do.

It’s frustrating at times but it also comes with an enormous amount of empathy. And as frightening as it can be, allowing yourself to help others with their pain will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, it allowed me to feel stronger than I ever imagined. It’s the greatest gift we have: To love one another, to help one another, to bear their pain without breaking. And it comes from the most human part of us: The greatest of all things I have discovered within myself: hope.

I will always have days where I simply want to cry, to crawl back into bed and die. But that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Hope is the wellspring from which I flow. My pain is real and it is persistent, but it does not control me.

What I have discovered this year is I am who I am. I am a good person, even if I am a little weird. Being weird isn’t a bad thing either.

Just learning that being myself is probably the best thing I’ve learned all year. And here’s to another of learning, love, loss, hurt, happiness, laughter, change and all the other things that make life great. Stay awesome and don’t forget I believe in you.

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2 thoughts on “Another Year In The Bag…

  1. They made me think I was borderline for years before I got a solid BP diagnosis. I believe they come part in hand with each other.

    Emotions can be cruel, I’m glad you have found blogging as not only as an outlet, but for a way to reach others who are struggling too.

    Megan x

    • Reaching others is probably the most rewarding thing about this. It’s allowed me to meet other people from around the world who know exactly how it feels to be a little different. Oh and thanks for adding me on twitter too. Made my day 🙂

      Adam

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