The Darkness has a name

Over all the years I’ve struggled with the darker parts of my nature. I always felt that there was a part of my personality that drove me to extremes of actions and excess.

Today I will introduce you all to my Dark Passenger.

Now before I start, I called that part of me a Dark Passenger long before I’d read any of Jeff Lindsay’s Dexter stories and it just turns out to be a happy and extremely awesome coincidence. This is a long one folks so I don’t blame you if you give this one a miss. this was all stream of consciousness without editing so I hope it makes sense.

Now before I discovered medication and wonderful therapy I was always at battle with my inner self. I knew something wasn’t right and I was driven by desires I couldn’t really comprehend.

By day I’d sit in my room listening to music and writing. My choice in music was always important it was designed to drive me to the depths of despair. Why would I do that I hear you ask? Well the reason I wanted to drive myself to that place emotionally is so I could justify what would come afterwards.

The sun would set and the Dark Passenger would come out to play. It would start with a ton of booze with random drugs thrown in for good measure. The idea was to be a being of pure instinct. Because when I thought it hurt.

By the time I hit the clubs I was well and truly under his spell. There was something I loved about my weekly routine of drinking, drugs, dancing and random sex in the most classy of places. I had people who knew my name and seemed excited to see me and I felt like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life. I was charming, funny and totally shameless. Where I was vulnerable, HE was not. While I was shy and insecure, HE knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it. The Dark Passenger wasn’t who I really was, just the parts of me I felt more comfortable sharing with people.

It’s funny, when you spend years running away from pain and trauma, you almost forget who you were to begin with. It’s like you almost become the character. The persona overrides the original so to speak.

But as long as I felt good it was always worth the shame and embarrassment that always preceded those nights. I’d sleep til 4pm wake up and start over again.

The hardest thing for me to accept was that the Dark Passenger wasn’t a concoction of the drugs or the booze or even a side effect of the abuse. It was me. A part of me that I suppose felt wrong deep down inside. I still couldn’t accept there was a part of me that had dark, deviant desires. It’s the part of me that gets off on the chase and the game of desire, lust, attraction and subtle manipulation.

I would tell people whatever it was they wanted to hear, as long as thy liked me. I concocted such elaborate lies at times that I managed to deceive people into believing I was something i was not. A success. Confident. A sexual tyrannosaur in a business suit. The Man who for some reason you felt you could pour your heart and soul to.

But ironically once I’d slept with them I was gone in the wind. Part of it was because I was afraid. But I also had to admit a part of me enjoyed the power I had over others.

But there was always the voice inside me that knew what I was doing was wrong. And for a long time I just refused to listen. It took a time when I lost everything that meant a damn to me for me to decide enough is enough.

The thing is when you lie for so long it’s very difficult to rediscover the man, not the persona. I stopped lying. As in I’m always honest no matter what. I was determined to win back the trust I’d lost in myself, and also those I love.

The thing about the trust is that a lot of people don’t care for it. All the staples of my pervious life fell away once they saw who I really was.

Without the booze and the drugs, I was shyer, quieter, more reserved. Suddenly I stopped being as much “fun” but my recovery was more important. I didn’t want to listen to the Dark Passenger. I wanted to be Adam. I wanted to prove to myself that people could love the real me, someone, hell anyone. I wanted to be able to know that when I told someone a secret or that I loved them, I was being honest. It’s the hardest and yet the easier thing I can do. Tell someone I love them. It’s just actually being able to love someone was the harder part. It doesn’t happen very often.

When I started opening up about my struggles with mental health I heard a lot of “it’s a phase you’ll get over it” or “I had no idea, you seemed so lively” but that’s the power of escaping into a character. I wasn’t being “me” I was “him”. If that makes any sense at all.

I’ve been rambling too long and I’m starting to feel exposed and vulnerable. And also worried none of this makes any sense so I’m gonna try to wrap it up.

I have mostly stopped drinking, apart from the occasional drink and I only rarely drown my sorrows. I don’t do drugs anymore. And I have decided to not have sex until I actually fall into something akin to love. The fact that I’ve never slept with someone I’ve really loved before makes me sad you know? But i deserve it. It took me a long time to find that within myself.

I have hope that one day it will happen. I have urges, strong ones even but I’m determined to see it through. It’s been over a year now and god do I miss it.

The Dark Passenger is a part of me. He always will be. I can hear the whispers even now, telling me it’ll feel better to just let go. And sometimes I really want to listen.

But you know what I do? I remind myself that I am special and I deserve happiness and love.

I deserve so many great things that I always believed I could only have by being what other people wanted me to be.

I am me. And I and him. Together we make Adam and I wouldn’t be anyone else.

Except maybe Superman cos he’s just awesome.

And to my new followers and old, thank you so much for coming with me on my journey. When I started this I never imagined anyone would care for what I had to say. But to my surprise I’ve met so many awesome people who understand and get how it feels. I cannot appreciate you guys enough.

Until next time,
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16 thoughts on “The Darkness has a name

  1. I am impressed by your ability to face your fears and shatter the world you thought you knew. I am impressed by how you managed to live with confusion for so long, and still tried to go forward one step at a time. I am impressed by how you make sense of it all.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I still have my good days and bad days but I do my best to take it all in my stride. There will always be a part of me that misses the escapism, but having self esteem and a sense of self worth helps a lot.

      • I can really relate to that, and know how tempting it can be to just escape from it all. It is not possible to always manage to stay present and do everything right, but it is possible to do our best.

      • It wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t try my best and just be me. Running away and being someone else never made me happy anyway. I have my weak moments like we all do but for the most part I’m strong. The best thing I can do is not beat myself up if I happen to relapse. It’s a struggle I’ll probably have to deal with for my whole life.

      • Luckily it gets easier, and better. I wish you did not have to learn the hard way, that everything went smoothly from the start like it does for some lucky few. But : Respect! You did what so few manage to do.

      • I no longer see my past as a burden anymore. Sure, no one should have to experience abuse and trauma, but it’s made me who I am now. And while it sure took some time, I really like who I am now. Sometimes I wonder if I’d have empathy or compassion if it wasn’t for what happened to me. Hell a long time ago I was terrified I’d end up a serial killer or something.

        Don’t mind me I have a flair for the dramatic.

      • You say something I have heard from abused people before: That in a way it made them stronger. And they become who they should have been with when they grew up with: Empathic and intelligent people, who try their best and am happy with who they are. Don`t loose your dramatic flair, I am sure that is one of the things that make you YOU, interesting and complex.

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