Distractions aka You can’t hide forever

As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.

Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.

I hate feeling so out of control. I hate how my emotions always overrule that voice in me that is really just a voice of reason. You know when you know you’re acting like a fool and you still do it? Well it’s that voice. I don’t know if opening up about my Dark Passenger has given him power again, or I just wanted to lose control even if only for a little while. All I do know that circumstances have also not helped in keeping me level and sane. There’s the girl I’m into. I don’t know where I stand or if I’ve already been too overbearing. It’s why it’s so much easier when the girl makes the move on me, because I know for a fact that she’s into me and therefore I’m not struck down by the insecure need to be validated. I act like such a fool when I really am into someone, but especially so in this case. I’ve had a thing for her since I was in my 20’s and suddenly it’s like I can’t help myself. Maybe if I’d tried and failed back then I could have moved on and been okay about it all in my older years… For if there is one thing I can do well, it’s move on.

I had to learn to move on from an early age. Especially being so emotionally unstable. One minute I’d like someone, the next I didn’t. But it took actually falling in love to discover that I hadn’t seen nothing yet. My first love will always remain unresolved. She’s married with kids now. We’re still friends and I will always love her in my own way, but I know I’ve been a burden to her over the years. It’s a testament to how good a friend she really is that she hasn’t told me to fuck off already.

imagessweethomealaMoving on became an imperative for my own survival. I always found myself hold out some vain hope that we’d somehow end up together. Like it was destined or something. I’d finally found someone I really, truly and totally loved and for non selfish reasons, so how could it not be fate? But things don’t work out the way we plan them do they? So at first I dove into whatever I could to distract me from how I felt about her, how I always thought about her. I even had several long-term relationships wherein I was hoping in time that I could love them the same way I’d loved her.

But eventually I had to leave and do what was right. For them, and for me. It’s not right for me to stay with someone if I don’t feel the same way. I’d always used her at a benchmark for how other people should make me feel and all the distractions in the world were not going to change that fact that it wasn’t something wrong with them, but something undeniably wrong with me.

You see, as often as I can become infatuated with someone, falling in love is harder. There is a part of me that I keep locked away from the world behind walls and masks. It is this part of me that I can only share with those I love ya know? Knowing and understanding grief, loss and trauma has allowed me to feel in ways I couldn’t have imagined, it allows me to take in other peoples pain and have it not destroy me in the process. But it’s also a curse. Sometimes I’d love an off switch, a button to just stop feeling even if only for a little while.

It keeps me awake at night when my mind wont stop racing, over-thinking and reconsidering every single possible scenario until I think I’m going mad. It turns the smallest of gestures into something elaborate and meaningful. My mind is every second of everyday and I cannot escape it, not even in my dreams. My dreams are torn between dark flashbacks and those awful dreams when something amazing happens when you’re so happy you’ll think you might burst only for it all to go terribly wrong. When I was younger I’d wake up almost everyday just wishing for it to be over. Every night I’d go to sleep knowing that if I didn’t wake up that wouldn’t be so bad. I would stand under a hot shower and cut into myself and watch the blood circle and go down the drain just for a few moments of blessed release and a misguided sense of control of my pain.

But being older and wiser (I hope) I’ve found ways to channel this feeling into something else. I write. I listen to music. I play an abundance of video games. I try as hard as I can to be the very best friend I can be. I try to not think about myself so much.

I stay distracted.

But the point of it all I guess is that sometimes you need to devote yourself some time to work through whatever it is that you’re feeling. No matter how distracted you are, and no matter what you use to keep yourself distracted, be it drugs, sex, alcohol or whatever it has to be dealt with eventually. And whenever I allow myself to lose control for a little while I’ve always been better afterwards. It’s as much of a release as cutting ever was, just being “mental” in a safe place free of prying eyes and judgement. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t let your expectations ruin things for you. Be yourself. And allow yourself the time to feel and not hide from it no matter how much it hurts. The feelings will always be there. It’s a part of you embrace it, don’t run from it.

You are awesome. We are awesome.

Just the way we are.

Until next time,

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