Sometimes it’s too much aka the Bursting at the seams blog

One of the biggest issues I have in my struggles with Borderline Personality is the overwhelming nature of everything I feel. I’m talking every single thing I feel. It’s all or nothing. It’s so damn frustrating. I hate it. It’s like I can see how I’m behaving or where my mind is taking me and I’m just a damn passenger. I alienate so many people in my life. People whom I like I push away. Or I scare them off. Or I try just so damn hard to make them like me. God I hate it. Sometimes I just would love to have something like apathy, as much as I hate apathy. It does my damn head in.

I’ve been thinking about cutting again. I’ve been really lonely lately.It’s so hard not to drink myself in a stupor sometimes. I know who I am, and I like who I am for the most part. For the most part I live my life fairly positively, and actively avoid negative emotions if I can help it. Even to the point of denial I avoid them. But anything is better than letting those demons whisper too long into the back of my mind.

I have a whole slew of coping mechanisms to fall back upon, such as what I call my ‘sharp ice’ technique for when I feel like cutting. I basically rub an ice-cube on myself until a side of it is sharp enough and then I keep using that side of the ice to simulate the cutting. I don’t know if it makes sense to you, but it works for me. It’s much healthier than my old routine. With the scalpel in the shower. The steam and blood curling around in the bottom of the shower. Back then it was the only release I could get. Besides getting drunk/fucked up and shagging someone.

I just want to be able to open up to another human being. It’s not even a sex thing. It’s an intimacy/closeness thing.

I’m so tired of not knowing who I can trust or wanting women I cannot have. I’m tired of being alone.  I try so hard  even though I know I shouldn’t. I hang by my phone hoping she’d call or text me. It’s pathetic.  Why do I do this? It’s not like I want to be sad, or be REALLY into her.I sometimes miss the old days of the drugs, drinking and rampant sexual antics. I know it was just an escape, but let’s be honest here, sometimes reality it really fucking sucks.

Maybe I’ll just feel better after I vent. Or maybe this is just the beginning or something else. I don’t know anymore.

Do you wanna know an especially frustrating aspect of being me? Tomorrow I could just feel fucking fantastic, everything could make sense and I feel like I’m the shit. Or it could be worse than today feels.

Who the fuck knows? I sure don’t.

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