I’ve always seen my own value through the eyes of others. I’ve tried to be the best friend/confidant I can be. I take pride on always being there for my loved ones, my friends, hell even strangers. I don’t like knowing anyone is suffering or in pain. I like to think the best thing about me is my compassion, my empathy for others.
Mind you, I haven’t always been the best friend either. There’s been plenty of times I’ve had my head stuck up my own ass that I couldn’t see outside my walls and bubbles I live in when the time calls for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. But sometimes I have to put myself first.
In fact, I should do it more often. Continue reading
Well it’s been 3 nights in a row that I’ve forgotten my meds and I think I’m starting to feel the effects of it. Or perhaps I’m just having a long overdue emotional cluster-fuck. Sometimes I wonder how I would be without my meds, I know I’d certainly be sharper, but I definitely don’t want to go back to being so erratic. I describe it best as being super ultra sharp and mega focused but suddenly you change tact and you can’t focus on a single thing with any form of clarity.
Prepare for a lot of tangents on this one folks.
Welcome to the End Times. Continue reading
As the end of 2014 dawns upon us I figured it was time to reflect on this year… at least in anticipation of the new year. That’s what people do don’t they? Fucked if I know but I’m gonna do it anyway.
It was a year of great progress and serious setbacks. I’m going to try to focus on the positives if I can but I make no promises.
Well I’m deep in the clutches of insomnia so I figured I’d kill some time by writing something. It started with some poetry, mostly about someone special, and turned into this blog.
Today I’m going to discuss coping mechanisms I’ve used over the years and I’ll elaborate on how they’ve affected me. I hope this proves both insightful and interesting.
Now a question I often get asked is how do I stop those voices in the back of my mind? The ones who say that you’re not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough…
Well the answer isn’t a simple one, but here’s my two cents on it. Continue reading
I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading
First off I just want to thank all the new followers I’ve picked up over the last few days. All of your stories entertain and inspire me every single day. You all help me in ways I cannot describe and it’s made me feel like I’m a part of something greater. Well now on to last nights festivities.
Well last night I had my biggest manic episode in months. It’s been almost a year since I went crazy like that. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t think straight. I was on cloud nine and I felt invincible. My self-esteem sky rockets and I feel that anything was possible. My creative levels went through the roof. I should have detected this was coming because for the last few days I’ve been especially creative and horny. I’m pretty interested in a certain gal and we go back and forth a lot and I don’t know if that was a trigger or not, but it sure was a lot of fun. Continue reading
Well today I’ve decided to talk about how I feel emotions and by going into detail I hope I can help people understand both myself and others which similar conditions for it’s hard for many of us to feel things like “normal” people can. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to either, it’s just that I’ve learned to accept and even enjoy the craziness that comes from Bipolar and having a somewhat stunted emotional growth. But at the same time, I believe I am more in touch with my emotional side that a lot of people, because if anything I’ve had to learn to be able to anticipate my moods so I can prepare an appropriate coping mechanism.
For a long time the only way I could cope was to self medicate. To have lots of mindless sex, drink, do drugs.. anything to distract me from how I was really feeling almost every moment of my life. This is why I preach so much of the importance of therapy and medication now. Because being different isn’t a bad thing. And needing a little help doesn’t make you weak neither. But the most important first step is deciding you don’t want things to stay embedded in that horribly dark place. You have to WANT to get help. Continue reading
Well I probably shouldn’t be blogging right now, but I guess I’m feeling somewhat inspired and in desperate need of a distraction. Well I’m in day 2 of a downward patch. And I figured I’d channel some of this into something positive.
So here goes nothing. Continue reading
Well things are going swimmingly for me right now. Where normally I’d anticipate things turning dark eventually, but I’m so full of energy that I can’t help but be excited about where the future is going to take me. Circumstantially, not a lot is different. The only thing that is different… is me. And that’s the point.
I’m actually happy. It’s feels strange to say it, even now. But I cannot deny how it feels. I haven’t had a cigarette in 11 days, and I’m getting fitter with every passing day. I’m starting to see results already and I can’t help but feel invigorated by all these changes I’m making in my life.
For the first time in a long time I’m excited. Continue reading