Fantasy

At times all I do is dream of her. The feeling of her hand in mine. The feel of her skin against mine, her scent filling my nostrils,  her taste on my lips. To hold her close,  to call her mine. I still want her. Just the thought of her drives me wild. And it never goes away. Never. 

I’ve always wanted to feel that closeness with someone and I’ve rarely been able to do so. 

I rarely find myself able to connect like that. Romantically at least. Every person I’ve even been intimate with was somewhat lacking. It wasn’t anything wrong with them, it was a problem with me. I’ve never made love, just fucked them. Fucking someone is just that,  fucking. Not that I like the term “making love” it sounds so hokey. But the truth is I’vef never surrendered myself to a person heart, body and soul. I’ve never had the chance really. And I’ve been with a lot of women waiting for the right one to come along. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m capable of feeling things. It just doesn’t happen very often. I’ve only loved 3 people in my whole life. I’ve dated a lot of women, but I’ve never really been in love with any of them. I’ve felt some serious affection for them, but I wasn’t in love. I guess I just hoped beyond hope that it would grow into something more. 

The overwhelming theme of my life is I love women who are unavailable. Does this mean I’m unlovable? Do I deserve this? Am I just fractured on the inside? An overwhelming feeling in my life is loneliness. I’ve always felt alone. For years and years it’s been this way. Casual sex only did so much to remove this feeling, but it always came back with a vengeance. 

I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing changes. It never goes away. And the ones I love are a million miles away. I’m used to being on my own, but I fucking hate it. I subconsciously choose this, but still I hope things will get better. 

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Untitled.

I don’t want to lie here thinking about you.
I don’t want to wonder what I must have done wrong because that’s the only possible reason you haven’t been talking to me lately.
I hate being this self absorbed but I cannot help it.
I don’t want to have a thought about you come creeping into my head while I’m trying to sleep.
I don’t want you invading my dreams just to taunt me further.
I cannot deny I’m crazy about you.
Hell maybe I’m actually crazy.
I needed to get this out of my system.
I need to know you’re okay.
I need you to say something, even if it’s just something horrible like “I’m sorry Adam I can’t talk to you anymore”
I used to think ignorance is bliss but it’s the silence that kills me.
I hate feeling so god damn needy.
I hate how starved for love I must be, that on the rare occasions I actually feel something it becomes something that swallows me whole and makes me so damn insecure.
I want to slow down and take a deep breath but I don’t know how. It’s never really been my style.
I hate being so damn intense.
Maybe it’s a subconscious way of self sabotaging a future relationship.
Or maybe, just maybe, I just think way too fucking much.
I don’t want to write soppy romantic poetry that doesn’t even touch the surface of how this feels for me sometimes.
I just want a chance to make you happy.
I just want you.

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Tips: How to Break the cycle of Depression

Hey guys,

Today’s post is all about ways I use to help alleviate symptoms of Depression. After the video I’ve added some additional ways you can help whenever things are feeling especially dark.

Continue reading

Depression… So what is it?

The word depression is used to describe a common feeling of sadness which all of us experience during our worst days. Every person experiences Depression in a different way. Depression is a common and genuine medical condition causing physical and psychological symptoms that require professional treatment. It is the leading cause of suicide in Australia, yet often goes unrecognized or treated.

Who suffers from Depression?

Everyday people, just like you and me, no matter what background you’re from. Winston Churchill, Isaac Newton, Michelangelo, Robert Schumann, Ludwig van Beethoven, Peter Tchaikovsky, John Lennon, Edgar Allan Poe, Mark Twain, Georgia O’Keefe, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Sylvia Plath all suffered from Depression during their lives.

So what causes depression?

Depression can be caused by a variety of internal and external factors including:

External factors

  • Family conflict
  • Interpersonal conflict
  • Bereavement
  • Job loss
  • Major life changes
  • Drug and alcohol abuse

Internal factors

  • Previous negative experiences
  • Personality (eg. perfectionism)
  • Medical illness / treatment eg. stroke, thyroid problems
  • Family disposition

Symptoms of Depression

Depression creates both mental and physical symptoms in our thinking, feeling and bodily experience, as well as in how we behave. These symptoms can vary from one person to another. Symptoms may change throughout the day, but are usually worse after waking up in the morning.

Common behaviors associated with depression
Behaviors commonly associated with depression include:

  • Increased drug and alcohol use
  • Withdrawal from social events
  • Increased irritability and frustration with minor events
  • Moodiness out of proportion to recent events
  • Heightened sensitivity to minor personal criticism
  • School or workplace absenteeism
  • Increased complaints about physical health problems eg. fatigue or pain
  • Loss of interest in food, sex, exercise and other enjoyable activities
  • Insomnia
  • Recklessness / taking unnecessary risks eg. driving fast and dangerously

Personality types commonly associated with Depression

  • Perfectionists
  • People who are sensitive to social criticism
  • Unassertive types
  • Those with low self-esteem
  • Self-critical and negative.
  • Shy or socially awkward

Depressions: The Facts

  • Women are twice as likely to suffer from depression as men. Women may be at a higher risk for depression due in part to estrogen, which may alter the activity of neurotransmitters that contribute to depression.
  • Each year, almost 800,000 Australian adults will experience a depressive illness. In the United States, more than 20 million people suffer from depression in a given year.
  • Depression is the third most common cause of illness among women and the tenth most common cause among men.
  • In 2001, Australian GP’s reported depression as the fourth most common illness that they dealt with in their practices.
  • Depression is the leading cause of disability in Australia.
  • Depression alone counts for more days lost to the workplace than those lost to industrial action.
  • The World Health Organization (WHO) has predicted that by 2020, depression will be the second biggest health problem world-wide, behind heart disease.
  • 80% of sufferers in Australia go undiagnosed.

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Heartache, Hopelessness, Hypocrisy and the Power of Love

I’m sorry in advance for all of this self-indulgent nonsense. I wrote this over the space of a day, whereas earlier in the day, the emotions were still very raw, and later I was able to approach it will less passion. I was gutted all day today. Hearing the story of Olivia Penpraze just got to me. How on earth could people let such a beautiful young girl go like that. She’d be looking for help for so long, and still she left us. I felt a real kinship with her story, and it really made me lose hope.

I cried for a long time as the tragedy sunk in. I feel as a society, we failed her. And her story is not unique. It happens all over the world every single day. And it’s not good enough.

Continue reading

The Beast has Returned…

Hey guys,

Sorry I’ve been neglecting the blog. I’ve just been in a bad place, and I really haven’t felt much like writing. It’s all my own doing of course, being attached to people and feeling unsure of my place in the greater scheme of things. I’ve come to realize how easy it is to believe that change is possible, especially when you’re in a good place. But the real challenge lies in continuing on when the dark clouds roll in. Continue reading

Living with Hypersexuality and Ranting

Hey all,

Well today I’m going to go into what it’s like living with hypersexuality. This is going to get a little into the “too much information” category, and you have been warned.  Continue reading

Restless and Resistant

Hey guys,

Well it’s 1:35am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been laying here in the dark for over an hour now, and sleep just isn’t obliging today. I’ve got so much on my mind, from pondering the decisions I make in relationships, to thinking lustful thoughts. It’s quite amusing being me sometimes.

So where do I start? Continue reading

Misery Loves Company

Things are much harder than I could have imagined. I can’t just forget how I feel, and the worse it gets, the more I’m certain that I don’t even want to. How can I forget? Especially when she’s proven me capable of feeling so much, and I wasn’t even sure I was able to.

So I either move on and perhaps get past it in time, or keep things how they are and suffer in solitude with no joy on the horizon.

Actually when I think about it like that, the decision seems to make itself. But I guess my willingness to let go is hard because she’s everything I’ve ever wanted, but realistically I don’t think it will work.

I’m trying to find a distraction. I’ll keep at it, and keep my fingers crossed.

But I really need to get all this sorted, because it’s like a tremendous weight on my shoulders. It’s holding me back, but at the same time, it’s invigorating. Fuck I’m frustrating.

I know what I should do, but I dont know if I want to. It’s been like this for years and its getting old. I can’t keep comparing other people to her, and I can’t control my feelings either.

I’m trying my best to get out there and see what happens, but these consistent feelings are holding me back. It’s more real and true than I had ever hoped it could be, but it hurts more than anything I can think of. And I’ve been hurt before.

So do I stay devoted, or fuck it all off and take the time I need to forget?

Someone tell me what to do. I have no idea and I’m far too many emotionally invested to make an objective decision.

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