Ten Day YOU Challenge – #4 – Seven Wants

Hey all…

Just a quick update, then onto the list. One of my housemates is bonkers, he’s out the front right now ranting and raving to himself. I’m genuinely scared of him now. It’s funny the things that don’t seem so important when you’re off your face. But now in my life without inebriation, that I find my comfort levels are dropping everyday. I have to sneak about just to feel comfortable even having a cigarette. Apparently the landlord is kicking him out soon, but it can’t happen soon enough. I hate feeling like a prisoner in my room.

Well enough of that annoying depresso crap, on to my next list. Seven Wants. I haven’t really thought  about this too much, so it should prove interesting. Here Goes! Continue reading

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Life, Love and finally rising above. (Darkest Days are over)

Hey all,

I’ve discovered an even ground in my journey. I’ve finally come to realize that in all things, it’s a constant challenge. It’s finding something to look forward to that matters to me. I suppose that thing for me is hope. Hope, that one day maybe sooner, perhaps later I’ll find that thing that would give me purpose. I’ve found a special connection with myself and with someone else. I know who I am, and I do not hate myself for everything that has happened. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with, and finally I can say that I think I’m starting to be okay with it all. You see, I’m not always an easy person to know, for I choose to keep so much of it to myself. It creates a barrier that separates me from everyone else. I cannot help this, for I cannot always share my feelings as not everyone can understand how it feels. I can’t share myself with everybody, and I wouldn’t really want to

I am never going to be that chirpy person I’d like to be. But what I’ve found is I finally am comfortable with who I am, and not a victim of the circumstances of my life.

I am not a victim, I’m a survivor.

And I’m capable of surviving anything. I’ve been running away for so long, that finally working it all out feels almost surreal. Stopping the drinking and the drugs, and by no longer chasing a feeling, forced me to take a really long and hard look at myself and to understand why I do the things I do. I’ve come to terms with who I am warts and all. I’ve accepted that I am by no means perfect, but honestly. It’s the journey that molds us into who we are, and I am who I am. I have a special relationship with myself and with someone special, whom I would be lost without. I’ve been sharing my feelings with family and friends, and they always tell me that it’s time to chase a dream, and find that happiness I’ve always craved. But it’s not that simple.

Here’s some lyrics to a song by Stabbing Westward called Save Yourself. It sums things up almost perfectly.

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So your searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole…

I can not save you…
I can’t even save myself…
So save yourself.

I know that you’ve been damaged
You soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you…

I can not save you…
I can’t even save myself…
So save yourself.

Please don’t take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
So if I must be lonely
I think I’d rather be alone…

I can not save you…
I can’t even save myself…
So save yourself

This person, who shall remain nameless, is not the cure to all my problems, for I can only find that within myself. I never would have found the courage to tell her. I never would have if I hadn’t found that middle ground within myself. I have felt this way for a long time and I could never find a way to express that.. I had my reasons, but mostly it was the fear of rejection, and that things would change. But life is change. And to carry such a burden is overwhelming. It’s this part of my journey that made me realize that it’s wrong to keep such things to yourself. I know there will be risks but I want to face them with her. It’s wrong that we should be only half alive… half of ourselves.

There is nothing I cannot accomplish, and I am blessed to know someone who is flawed, so real and so special. We don’t need to be perfect, nor change. For many years, she has been my muse and one of my closest friends. The inspiration, the love, the friendship, these things are all important to me, but what I get from her is that feeling I’ve always wanted. And to not feel so alone, in my pain, in my heart and in all things. With a word, my walls crumble, self control slithers away. I wouldn’t change her one bit, and she wouldn’t change me. To accept someone warts and all and still find that love for them regardless of the darkness. I don’t have to be funny, or tell stories nor any other mask I used to wear to adapt to a social situation. I don’t have to fit a particular mold, nor do I have to be whoever anyone else wants me to me.

I’m just me and that’s okay. That is the most special thing she ever could have given me.

So I am not going to rush things, for we both have our own paths to travel, before we join them together as they should be. Hand in hand, as one. As partners, or just as close friends, she makes me feel human. So whatever happens happens. I am no longer afraid.

You see, some things in life are simply worth the wait.

So all I can control is who I do, as how I feel is out of my hands. Everything, even all the bad stuff, happens for a reason. I am meant to be doing this, my place is the here and now. I must keep growing and keep finding the positives in life. I am not alone, I have a great couple of friends, a mother and sister I love with all my heart, and a special someone who will always be a part of me, whether we’re together or not. I don’t have to be with her, but it gives me strength knowing that someone like her is out there somewhere. It’s the perseverance, that will make it all worthwhile. For even when things seem at their worst, tomorrow is another day, and with tomorrow brings that hope. Hope that things will not always be this way. That one day, I’ll be happy. It’s all I want. Happiness is not delivered on a platter by a relationship, a drink nor anything else. It’s happiness that can only be found within. It’s the connections we make that help us find that thing for ourselves. I’ve finally realized that I cannot find my way alone. None of us can.

While I’m not necessarily where I really want to be, I’ve found a measure of contentedness and I find I’m excited to see where the rest of my journey will take me. For once I can truly say..

I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

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