Dreams

In a lot of ways my dreams have haunted me. Happy or sad I had my reasons for being frightened and resentful towards them. My bad dreams are usually about heartbreak, abandonment or loss. And the especially terrible ones are about the entity I call the “Shadow Man” and only a select few know the story behind that one. 

But lately I’ve been having amazingly positive dreams. About finding some purpose in my life. Helping others. Falling in love. Having a family of my own. I dream about Cass often. Sometimes she’s behind a wall of glass, unobtainable but still the object of my desire. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Smart, funny, gorgeous, vulnerable and caring. I can be open with her, I can be myself with her. I can be weak and vulnerable and still she makes me strong. She makes me want to be a better man. I’d be anything to make her happy. 

Sometimes I punch and claw at the glass wall, desperate to get to her. Sometimes, I place my hand upon the glass and she does the same. And for a moment we are together. But sometimes we are lying in bed together in a sun lit room. The sun seems to shine off her skin as I watch her sleep. She awakes and greets me with a smile. We talk and hold each other close. We laugh and play and sometimes things get intimate. But as much as I enjoy sex and such, I mostly enjoy the dreams where there’s just that closeness. Like we’re the only people the exist in the whole world. 

There was a time when a dream like this would have terrified me. I couldn’t have imagined ever feeling like that about anyone, much less have them feel the same way about me. I’m not saying that I’m clairvoyant or it’s going to happen just as I dreamed it would,  but it sure would be nice. It would be presumptuous of me to say that we’re going to be together. But I can’t deny that I love her. 

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Distractions aka You can’t hide forever

As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.

Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.

Continue reading

Another Year In The Bag…

Hey,

As the end of 2014 dawns upon us I figured it was time to reflect on this year… at least in anticipation of the new year. That’s what people do don’t they? Fucked if I know but I’m gonna do it anyway.

It was a year of great progress and serious setbacks. I’m going to try to focus on the positives if I can but I make no promises.

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Cloud Nine aka The Enjoy It While It Lasts Blog

Hey guys,

As someone who has BPD emotions can dominate many facets of my life. I often find it’s easier to get swept up in the negative emotions. At times feelings like sadness and loneliness can be overwhelming. I’ve spent many nights crying away deciding to focus entirely on the negatives, sad music only making things worse. It feels like the more miserable I feel the more cathartic the entire experience is. We all do it. But the question is “Why do we do it?” Could the answer be something as simple as “It makes me feel alive” or are human beings wired to conform to the negative side of things? We obsess about the things we don’t have, fixate on what is “missing”

But it’s occurred to me that people with mental health issues do not take the time to celebrate the positives of the emotional spectrum. Continue reading

Caring Too Fast aka The Getting Ahead of Myself Blog

Hey guys,

Sometimes I wonder if I can even care about people. It’s like I’ve built all these walls and hidden behind so many masks over the years, all in the vain hope that I’d be protected from some hypothetical harm that could happen. And sometimes I fall hard. More than I wanted to. It’s only really happened a couple of times in my whole life. Therein lies the dilemma. I care too much. And it drives me crazy. When I’m not interested in anyone I’m confident with myself and there are no complications… besides being lonely.

But then something comes along and it ruins everything. Continue reading

Coping Mechanisms

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

Well I’m deep in the clutches of insomnia so I figured I’d kill some time by writing something. It started with some poetry, mostly about someone special, and turned into this blog.

Today I’m going to discuss coping mechanisms I’ve used over the years and I’ll elaborate on how they’ve affected me. I hope this proves both insightful and interesting.

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BPD and those pesky emotions.

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading

I Go To Extremes

Hey guys,

Well today I’ve decided to talk about how I feel emotions and by going into detail I hope I can help people understand both myself and others which similar conditions for it’s hard for many of us to feel things like “normal” people can. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to either, it’s just that I’ve learned to accept and even enjoy the craziness that comes from Bipolar and having a somewhat stunted emotional growth. But at the same time, I believe I am more in touch with my emotional side that a lot of people, because if anything I’ve had to learn to be able to anticipate my moods so I can prepare an appropriate coping mechanism.

For a long time the only way I could cope was to self medicate. To have lots of mindless sex, drink, do drugs.. anything to distract me from how I was really feeling almost every moment of my life. This is why I preach so much of the importance of therapy and medication now. Because being different isn’t a bad thing. And needing a little help doesn’t make you weak neither. But the most important first step is deciding you don’t want things to stay embedded in that horribly dark place. You have to WANT to get help.  Continue reading

Long Time No See… aka The Changes Blog

Hey guys,

It’s been a long time since I’ve made anything resembling a reasonable update to this, but to be honest I’ve been really busy. I’ve made some serious changes and my saga of growth and self-improvement continues. As always, it’s hard but isn’t making changes meant to be hard?  Continue reading

A letter to my 18 year old self

Hey guys,

I found an awesome blog, found at http://hereismars.wordpress.com/ and it inspired me to do something myself. Check it out, it’s really great.

So yeah, here goes. Continue reading