Change

Hey guys, 

Today’s post is something brought on by some things going on with my personal life. Now I make it a point to avoid giving away too much information about my personal life in these blogs, but rest assured every post is referenced by my personal life in some way. 

Now there is a girl in my life whom I love. I love her in a way I never thought I could love someone ya know? And well she’s not entirely sure if she can trust her feelings for me. And this brings me into thinking about change. How can things change unless you’re willing to take a chance? I like to think I’m worth the risk. I know for a fact she is. But I’m not the one doubting my feelings. 

Things will never be different unless you’re willing to take a chance that they will be. And things will always be the same unless you’re willing to accept change. Also, if you’re afraid to accept change, or don’t want things to be different own that shit. 

I am how I am. I am worth the risk. But if you’re unwilling or unable to take a risk then that’s your deal. My feeling s haven’t changed as intense and crazy as they are. It’s the only way I know how to feel. I can’t change that. And I’m sorry you doubt me, but I would give you the world on a platter if I could. 

I’d do anything for you, but I can’t and won’t change who I am. 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Being Mental is Fun!

Hey all. I hope everyone is well. Myself? Well today I’m not entirely sure. The old brain is playing games with me. I’m thinking about her again. I haven’t heard from her in a month. I guess I’m invested in someone again. Which sucks because I get all insecure. I’m so used to being self reliant, not letting anyone get too close. But noooo I had to be silly and open up again. 

Not that opening up is a bad thing. In theory it’s a fantastic thing. Actually it feels fantastic! But it’s all the bad stuff that comes with it. I ALWAYS fall for women who are unavailable. Or taken. Usually taken. 

I’m such a fuckin idiot. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything right now. I’m sure I’ll be okay later. Being crazy is fun isn’t it? Turning mountains into molehills is great! Obsessing over shit is fantastic. Not being able to sleep is wonderful! 

I’m sorry if this blog comes across as me complaining. I suppose I am, but fuck it I need to get shit off my chest. It’s really shit not having anyone to talk to. Well there is my psychiatrist, but I never seem to be going through anything dramatic when I have my monthly teleconference. One of the great advantages of being in the Disability pension is being able to have free teleconferences. It took me years to find a half decent shrink. Finding a good GP is nigh on impossible. Doctors wanna throw pills at you and not actually get to what the actual problems are. 

I suppose I’m still living with a lot of the past stuff. My self confidence comes and goes. I hate feeling so fucking insecure. Some days I’m tops. I can conquer the world and everything I touch turns to gold. But there’s always the inevitable crash. And my God doesn’t it suck! Those are the days where I could sleep all day. It’s better than slicing myself up like I used to. In a way I’m lucky that I cut myself in places that are not easily to see. I’m just imaging the looks I could get having scars all over the place. 

Ugh I’m just thinking too much like always. 

I’ll try and write more. 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Distractions aka You can’t hide forever

As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.

Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.

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Another Year In The Bag…

Hey,

As the end of 2014 dawns upon us I figured it was time to reflect on this year… at least in anticipation of the new year. That’s what people do don’t they? Fucked if I know but I’m gonna do it anyway.

It was a year of great progress and serious setbacks. I’m going to try to focus on the positives if I can but I make no promises.

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Cloud Nine aka The Enjoy It While It Lasts Blog

Hey guys,

As someone who has BPD emotions can dominate many facets of my life. I often find it’s easier to get swept up in the negative emotions. At times feelings like sadness and loneliness can be overwhelming. I’ve spent many nights crying away deciding to focus entirely on the negatives, sad music only making things worse. It feels like the more miserable I feel the more cathartic the entire experience is. We all do it. But the question is “Why do we do it?” Could the answer be something as simple as “It makes me feel alive” or are human beings wired to conform to the negative side of things? We obsess about the things we don’t have, fixate on what is “missing”

But it’s occurred to me that people with mental health issues do not take the time to celebrate the positives of the emotional spectrum. Continue reading

Coping Mechanisms

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

Well I’m deep in the clutches of insomnia so I figured I’d kill some time by writing something. It started with some poetry, mostly about someone special, and turned into this blog.

Today I’m going to discuss coping mechanisms I’ve used over the years and I’ll elaborate on how they’ve affected me. I hope this proves both insightful and interesting.

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BPD and those pesky emotions.

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading

Mania & Hyper-sexuality

First off I just want to thank all the new followers I’ve picked up over the last few days. All of your stories entertain and inspire me every single day. You all help me in ways I cannot describe and it’s made me feel like I’m a part of something greater.  Well now on to last nights festivities.

Well last night I had my biggest manic episode in months. It’s been almost a year since I went crazy like that. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t think straight. I was on cloud nine and I felt invincible. My self-esteem sky rockets and I feel that anything was possible. My creative levels went through the roof. I should have detected this was coming because for the last few days I’ve been especially creative and horny. I’m pretty interested in a certain gal and we go back and forth a lot and I don’t know if that was a trigger or not, but it sure was a lot of fun.  Continue reading

I Go To Extremes

Hey guys,

Well today I’ve decided to talk about how I feel emotions and by going into detail I hope I can help people understand both myself and others which similar conditions for it’s hard for many of us to feel things like “normal” people can. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to either, it’s just that I’ve learned to accept and even enjoy the craziness that comes from Bipolar and having a somewhat stunted emotional growth. But at the same time, I believe I am more in touch with my emotional side that a lot of people, because if anything I’ve had to learn to be able to anticipate my moods so I can prepare an appropriate coping mechanism.

For a long time the only way I could cope was to self medicate. To have lots of mindless sex, drink, do drugs.. anything to distract me from how I was really feeling almost every moment of my life. This is why I preach so much of the importance of therapy and medication now. Because being different isn’t a bad thing. And needing a little help doesn’t make you weak neither. But the most important first step is deciding you don’t want things to stay embedded in that horribly dark place. You have to WANT to get help.  Continue reading

A letter to my 18 year old self

Hey guys,

I found an awesome blog, found at http://hereismars.wordpress.com/ and it inspired me to do something myself. Check it out, it’s really great.

So yeah, here goes. Continue reading