As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.
Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.
I’ve been writing some memoirs for my Non Fiction classes, and I’ve been delving into my childhood with some detail. It really got me emotional and got me thinking about the power of scars. And how they always stick with you. I’ve written a lot over the years about all this.
Now I’m going to go into some very personal things here, so if you don’t want to know then close this thing right now. I completely understand if you do. There will be no offence taken, trust me.
I have no idea how much I’m going to write, so it could be a long one. You have been warned.
Things have come to a head, and after numerous surgeries and resuscitation, I’ve finally reached a level where I can accept the inevitable. He’s going to pass away, and nothing I say or do will change that. So the big problem I had was… What right have I got to keep him going when he’s obviously ready to leave? I’d love more than anything for a little more time together. I’d only touched the surface of what I wanted to say, but as always it seems like I’ve run out of time. Continue reading
I didn’t write this, but I found it and I couldn’t put it any better myself.
I found this on Journey of Hearts.
“Grief comes in unexpected surges…
Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.
It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.
Then recedes, leaving me broken.
Oh, Mama, I don’t want to eat, to walk to get out of bed.
Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering…
I do not want to be distracted from my grief.
I wouldn’t mind dying.
I wouldn’t mind at all. ”
– Toby Talbert Continue reading
It feels like so much has happened since I last posted. And I don’t want to go on about it, because I’m scared if I start I won’t be able to stop the tears that have been lingering on the edge for the past few weeks.
I had to say goodbye today.
Standing over him as the hospital machines beeped and moved about pumping artificial life into his broken body. I refused to cry in front of him. I didn’t want his last memories of me to be me crying. I want him to remember me as the dorky strange boy he’d known my whole life. I just never had the time to get past my own bullshit, to say what really mattered. Sure things haven’t been ideal between us, but at the end of the day what matters most to me is that I love him. Continue reading