Sometimes I wonder if I can even care about people. It’s like I’ve built all these walls and hidden behind so many masks over the years, all in the vain hope that I’d be protected from some hypothetical harm that could happen. And sometimes I fall hard. More than I wanted to. It’s only really happened a couple of times in my whole life. Therein lies the dilemma. I care too much. And it drives me crazy. When I’m not interested in anyone I’m confident with myself and there are no complications… besides being lonely.
But then something comes along and it ruins everything. Continue reading
Well I’m deep in the clutches of insomnia so I figured I’d kill some time by writing something. It started with some poetry, mostly about someone special, and turned into this blog.
Today I’m going to discuss coping mechanisms I’ve used over the years and I’ll elaborate on how they’ve affected me. I hope this proves both insightful and interesting.
Now a question I often get asked is how do I stop those voices in the back of my mind? The ones who say that you’re not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough…
Well the answer isn’t a simple one, but here’s my two cents on it. Continue reading
Hey guys, how is everybody doing?
Well today I’ve decided to write about struggles of self, self image and what people with mental illness often deem as their own insignificance. I also like to call it my invisibility powers. One of the biggest problems I have is with my self image is inexplicably linked with my insecurity and self-confidence. I often in my own desire to love and acceptance tend to try too hard if that makes sense. As much as I’d like to be able to “play it cool” I just don’t seem to have it in me. I know I’m not really invisible, but it feels like it sometimes. And all this reflection was triggered by an interest in a particular lady.. and an episode of Doctor Who.
This one gets a little personal folks, so don’t read if you don’t want to know. You’ve been warned. Continue reading
I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading
Earlier tonight I was speaking with a friend and we were discussing his relationship with his significant other. He told me how insignificant she makes him feel and that no matter how hard he tries, it’s never good enough for her. My words of advice were simple.. I said “Dude, just leave.” We talked for an hour about how sad he feels and also how he can’t imagine his life without her. So I asked him if he liked being sad and he said no. So it really is that simple. If you’re unhappy, change things. Talk about how you feel and if they feel the same way, they will meet you half way.
You see, relationships are complicated but at the same time simple. It’s about communication and compromise. If the wants and desires are lopsided and based on making just one person happy, then it’s doomed to fail. I’ve had relationships last for years based purely on the sex. I’ve stuck with girls that I’ve never loved but hoped that one day I might. Having such an extreme emotional spectrum, makes things hard for me, but unlike a lot of other people, I learn from my mistakes. Continue reading
Well today I’ve decided to talk about how I feel emotions and by going into detail I hope I can help people understand both myself and others which similar conditions for it’s hard for many of us to feel things like “normal” people can. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to either, it’s just that I’ve learned to accept and even enjoy the craziness that comes from Bipolar and having a somewhat stunted emotional growth. But at the same time, I believe I am more in touch with my emotional side that a lot of people, because if anything I’ve had to learn to be able to anticipate my moods so I can prepare an appropriate coping mechanism.
For a long time the only way I could cope was to self medicate. To have lots of mindless sex, drink, do drugs.. anything to distract me from how I was really feeling almost every moment of my life. This is why I preach so much of the importance of therapy and medication now. Because being different isn’t a bad thing. And needing a little help doesn’t make you weak neither. But the most important first step is deciding you don’t want things to stay embedded in that horribly dark place. You have to WANT to get help. Continue reading
Well I probably shouldn’t be blogging right now, but I guess I’m feeling somewhat inspired and in desperate need of a distraction. Well I’m in day 2 of a downward patch. And I figured I’d channel some of this into something positive.
So here goes nothing. Continue reading
I found an awesome blog, found at http://hereismars.wordpress.com/ and it inspired me to do something myself. Check it out, it’s really great.
So yeah, here goes. Continue reading
Well things are going swimmingly for me right now. Where normally I’d anticipate things turning dark eventually, but I’m so full of energy that I can’t help but be excited about where the future is going to take me. Circumstantially, not a lot is different. The only thing that is different… is me. And that’s the point.
I’m actually happy. It’s feels strange to say it, even now. But I cannot deny how it feels. I haven’t had a cigarette in 11 days, and I’m getting fitter with every passing day. I’m starting to see results already and I can’t help but feel invigorated by all these changes I’m making in my life.
For the first time in a long time I’m excited. Continue reading