Sometimes it’s too much aka the Bursting at the seams blog

One of the biggest issues I have in my struggles with Borderline Personality is the overwhelming nature of everything I feel. I’m talking every single thing I feel. It’s all or nothing. It’s so damn frustrating. I hate it. It’s like I can see how I’m behaving or where my mind is taking me and I’m just a damn passenger. I alienate so many people in my life. People whom I like I push away. Or I scare them off. Or I try just so damn hard to make them like me. God I hate it. Continue reading

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Distractions aka You can’t hide forever

As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.

Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.

Continue reading

Long Time No See… aka The Changes Blog

Hey guys,

It’s been a long time since I’ve made anything resembling a reasonable update to this, but to be honest I’ve been really busy. I’ve made some serious changes and my saga of growth and self-improvement continues. As always, it’s hard but isn’t making changes meant to be hard?  Continue reading

Surviving 101 aka Something’s gotta give

Hey guys,

Well I probably shouldn’t be blogging right now, but I guess I’m feeling somewhat inspired and in desperate need of a distraction. Well I’m in day 2 of a downward patch. And I figured I’d channel some of this into something positive.

So here goes nothing. Continue reading

A letter to my 18 year old self

Hey guys,

I found an awesome blog, found at http://hereismars.wordpress.com/ and it inspired me to do something myself. Check it out, it’s really great.

So yeah, here goes. Continue reading

Restless and Resistant

Hey guys,

Well it’s 1:35am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been laying here in the dark for over an hour now, and sleep just isn’t obliging today. I’ve got so much on my mind, from pondering the decisions I make in relationships, to thinking lustful thoughts. It’s quite amusing being me sometimes.

So where do I start? Continue reading

Insomnia & Bipolar??? Oh My!

Sometimes, the pros of being bipolar can be used to get things done.
For example, I can often get a hell of a lot of writing done, or find that extra burst of energy to get my work finished on time etc. But there is nothing positive really about being bipolar and an insomniac. It’s like being trapped in a prison in my own head all the fucking time. At least sleep is a respite from the annoying mood swings and irrational thinking.

So basically it’s 6am and I’ve slept for maybe 2 or 3 hours and now I couldn’t sleep unless you smashed my head in with a hammer.

Here in lies the dilemma… Do I turn my back on my decision to deal with them without resorting to anti-depressants and sleeping pills? Or should I just go back to being a mindless drug fucked zombie just so I can sleep at night?

Now the reasons I chose not to be medicated for my various afflictions is simple. I can’t appreciate anything when I’m on them. I don’t love anything. I don’t hate anything. I’m just perpetually stuck in the middle. And I’ve never been one to be in the middle of anything.

I’m an all or nothing guy, just accept it.

I have days (like the other day) where I almost dispise myself for feeling a need to blab on about shit I can’t get past.. and what usually happens is once I’ve gotten it off my chest, the burden and pain I felt often goes away. As in that very instant. But the consequences to my selfishness are I often offend or annoy people who were directly or indirectly involved.

I am not saying sorry. I’m not making any excuses either. It’s just a matter of fact.

The truth hurts doesn’t it? But at least I can admit when I’m wrong.

I am how I am. I’m not going to compromise my principles or pretend I’m okay with something just to make you happy. I’m doing what’s best for me. Just the same as anyone/everyone else does. I’m just not going to feel guilty for feeling like I do anymore.

Shit happens. Deal with it.

Anyways time to sign off. I’m starting to get the hang of this blog thing. I think I like it.

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