I’ve always seen my own value through the eyes of others. I’ve tried to be the best friend/confidant I can be. I take pride on always being there for my loved ones, my friends, hell even strangers. I don’t like knowing anyone is suffering or in pain. I like to think the best thing about me is my compassion, my empathy for others.
Mind you, I haven’t always been the best friend either. There’s been plenty of times I’ve had my head stuck up my own ass that I couldn’t see outside my walls and bubbles I live in when the time calls for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. But sometimes I have to put myself first.
In fact, I should do it more often. Continue reading
One of the biggest issues I have in my struggles with Borderline Personality is the overwhelming nature of everything I feel. I’m talking every single thing I feel. It’s all or nothing. It’s so damn frustrating. I hate it. It’s like I can see how I’m behaving or where my mind is taking me and I’m just a damn passenger. I alienate so many people in my life. People whom I like I push away. Or I scare them off. Or I try just so damn hard to make them like me. God I hate it. Continue reading
Hey everyone, I hope you’re all doing great and you’re staying strong. As for me, things are complicated, but ain’t they always? 🙂
Anyway, I’ve been channelling my emotional insecurity and lust and all that other aweseome stuff into some writing. I’ve decided to share it with you. I hope you like it.
Feel free the give me some feedback, I’d love to be able to refine it and make it better. Continue reading
Well it’s been 3 nights in a row that I’ve forgotten my meds and I think I’m starting to feel the effects of it. Or perhaps I’m just having a long overdue emotional cluster-fuck. Sometimes I wonder how I would be without my meds, I know I’d certainly be sharper, but I definitely don’t want to go back to being so erratic. I describe it best as being super ultra sharp and mega focused but suddenly you change tact and you can’t focus on a single thing with any form of clarity.
Prepare for a lot of tangents on this one folks.
Welcome to the End Times. Continue reading
As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.
Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.
As someone who has BPD emotions can dominate many facets of my life. I often find it’s easier to get swept up in the negative emotions. At times feelings like sadness and loneliness can be overwhelming. I’ve spent many nights crying away deciding to focus entirely on the negatives, sad music only making things worse. It feels like the more miserable I feel the more cathartic the entire experience is. We all do it. But the question is “Why do we do it?” Could the answer be something as simple as “It makes me feel alive” or are human beings wired to conform to the negative side of things? We obsess about the things we don’t have, fixate on what is “missing”
But it’s occurred to me that people with mental health issues do not take the time to celebrate the positives of the emotional spectrum. Continue reading
Well I’m sitting here listening to White Zombie’s La Sexorcisto Devil Music Vol.1, yeah that’s right 1992’s finest! Actually this album brings back a lot of memories for me. I must admit, while trying my hardest to distract myself for my lack of love life, I’ve been feeling somewhat nostalgic. Been listening to a lot of old music I listened to in my teens and it’s amazing how music can trigger memories. It’s feels a lot like muscle memory how something like a particular bear or a riff can remind you of a different time taking you out of the here and now.
My fucking god I love music. It takes me on such an emotional journey. It can take me from the lowest lows to the highest of highs. Continue reading
Sometimes I wonder if I can even care about people. It’s like I’ve built all these walls and hidden behind so many masks over the years, all in the vain hope that I’d be protected from some hypothetical harm that could happen. And sometimes I fall hard. More than I wanted to. It’s only really happened a couple of times in my whole life. Therein lies the dilemma. I care too much. And it drives me crazy. When I’m not interested in anyone I’m confident with myself and there are no complications… besides being lonely.
But then something comes along and it ruins everything. Continue reading
Well I’m deep in the clutches of insomnia so I figured I’d kill some time by writing something. It started with some poetry, mostly about someone special, and turned into this blog.
Today I’m going to discuss coping mechanisms I’ve used over the years and I’ll elaborate on how they’ve affected me. I hope this proves both insightful and interesting.
Hey guys, how is everybody doing?
Well today I’ve decided to write about struggles of self, self image and what people with mental illness often deem as their own insignificance. I also like to call it my invisibility powers. One of the biggest problems I have is with my self image is inexplicably linked with my insecurity and self-confidence. I often in my own desire to love and acceptance tend to try too hard if that makes sense. As much as I’d like to be able to “play it cool” I just don’t seem to have it in me. I know I’m not really invisible, but it feels like it sometimes. And all this reflection was triggered by an interest in a particular lady.. and an episode of Doctor Who.
This one gets a little personal folks, so don’t read if you don’t want to know. You’ve been warned. Continue reading