Being Mental is Fun!

Hey all. I hope everyone is well. Myself? Well today I’m not entirely sure. The old brain is playing games with me. I’m thinking about her again. I haven’t heard from her in a month. I guess I’m invested in someone again. Which sucks because I get all insecure. I’m so used to being self reliant, not letting anyone get too close. But noooo I had to be silly and open up again. 

Not that opening up is a bad thing. In theory it’s a fantastic thing. Actually it feels fantastic! But it’s all the bad stuff that comes with it. I ALWAYS fall for women who are unavailable. Or taken. Usually taken. 

I’m such a fuckin idiot. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything right now. I’m sure I’ll be okay later. Being crazy is fun isn’t it? Turning mountains into molehills is great! Obsessing over shit is fantastic. Not being able to sleep is wonderful! 

I’m sorry if this blog comes across as me complaining. I suppose I am, but fuck it I need to get shit off my chest. It’s really shit not having anyone to talk to. Well there is my psychiatrist, but I never seem to be going through anything dramatic when I have my monthly teleconference. One of the great advantages of being in the Disability pension is being able to have free teleconferences. It took me years to find a half decent shrink. Finding a good GP is nigh on impossible. Doctors wanna throw pills at you and not actually get to what the actual problems are. 

I suppose I’m still living with a lot of the past stuff. My self confidence comes and goes. I hate feeling so fucking insecure. Some days I’m tops. I can conquer the world and everything I touch turns to gold. But there’s always the inevitable crash. And my God doesn’t it suck! Those are the days where I could sleep all day. It’s better than slicing myself up like I used to. In a way I’m lucky that I cut myself in places that are not easily to see. I’m just imaging the looks I could get having scars all over the place. 

Ugh I’m just thinking too much like always. 

I’ll try and write more. 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BPD and those pesky emotions.

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading

5 Lessons I’ve learned from life.

ImageKnow your limitations. 

 

It’s important to remember that you are only human. We all fuck up from time to time. We all make mistakes. The most important thing to remind yourself that it is okay to fail. It’s learning and improving from those experiences that really counts. While there is nothing wrong with striving for more and reaching beyond your means, make sure you set yourself realistic and achievable goals. Anything is possible, never stop believing that but be real. Rome wasn’t built in a day after all. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do. There are plenty of people who would love to see us fail, but that is an issue with them, and has nothing to do with you. Anyone who would hold you back is not worth having around. You are amazing and special. You deserve happiness. You deserve to feel a sense of accomplishment, and it’s okay to admit that sometimes you just outgrow people. It’s a fact of life. And it’s much better to grow and improve than to stay stagnant. 

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

 

There are so many things in a person’s mind and heart. We’re all complicated internally and some of us have an easier or harder time making sense of it – whatever the reason may be. Always remember that everyone has their own unique story, a series of events over a lifetime that makes them who they are just like you. We don’t know the reasons for their struggles. While I have a great deal of belief in the human spirit, speculating on someone’s inner workings is a losing proposition.

If you really want to know what makes someone tick, ask them. It’s much better that to make assumptions. How many times have you felt unfairly judged by other people? It goes both ways people. And in my opinion the world would be a much better place if we all communicated a little more, and showed a little compassion and understanding. It’s what we all crave, so the burden is on us to lead by example. You only get out what you put in. 

Find a reason, any reason. Just don’t rest on your accomplishments. 

Any reason will do. Just don’t be complacent. Celebrate your victories. Be it every time you say no to a cigarette or some other vice, it’s a victory in itself. But do not rest on your laurels, and don’t beat yourself up if you fall. After all you’re only human. 

Do something for yourself!

Go on.. you deserve a treat. Consider it a reward for all your hard work. Whenever I feel unmotivated or wracked with depression, if I can manage to drag myself out of it and do something constructive, I celebrate the victory, even if it is a minor one. It is better to struggle and scratch and claw your way out of it than to concede and admit defeat. Sure it’s easier to just give up, but who wants things the easy way? I think anything we’re just given is not appreciated, it’s when we have to work for it that we can really appreciate that we are special and are worth all the great and wonderful things in life. 

Growth is more important than success.

I had an epiphany a while back. I’ve come to realize that without learning to communicate about how I’m feeling, and without therapy, I would have never have become who I am today. And it’s okay to talk. In fact, it’s really important to. It’s the steps you take on the journey that matter, not where you are going. It’s everything that’s happened, all the good and bad, all the love and happiness, the pain and sorrow, everything, that makes us who we are. And you have to accept that it’s happened, because there is nothing you can do to change that. No amount of drinking or drugs or sex, nothing will change what you’re trying to run from. You can only move on and become stronger once you’re able to accept that is has happened. And while you might not have deserved it, it’s another of lifes lessons. The me from 5 years ago would have done things differently now, and that’s the point. As people it’s important to learn and strive, to grow and transform. The only thing we ever really learn from is our mistakes, and those rare souls in our lives who make an impact. People come and go, and it’s in our memories that we can truly live forever. 

I love you all, and keep on keeping on. Don’t be afraid to lean on someone if you need a hand, but do not underestimate your own capabilities. You are strong, and anything is possible. You just have to believe.

I believe in you. 

❤ Adam.

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Heartache, Hopelessness, Hypocrisy and the Power of Love

I’m sorry in advance for all of this self-indulgent nonsense. I wrote this over the space of a day, whereas earlier in the day, the emotions were still very raw, and later I was able to approach it will less passion. I was gutted all day today. Hearing the story of Olivia Penpraze just got to me. How on earth could people let such a beautiful young girl go like that. She’d be looking for help for so long, and still she left us. I felt a real kinship with her story, and it really made me lose hope.

I cried for a long time as the tragedy sunk in. I feel as a society, we failed her. And her story is not unique. It happens all over the world every single day. And it’s not good enough.

Continue reading

The Birthday Blog aka Reflections on another year gone by.

Hey all,

Well another year in my life has gone by, and I’m not 33 years old. It’s been a year of significant changes for me. I’ve loved and lost, made some awesome friends, delved deeply my own psyche and more importantly, made some real progress in understanding both myself and my place in the world, and in my recovery from holding onto all the events that made me who I am today.  Continue reading

Friendships, Love, Attachments and The Future.

Hey all,

Well I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking and reflecting on myself and my nature. I’ve been thinking about my friends and those whom I love, and what the effect of having me in their lives must do to them. I’m always so up and down, it must be exhausting. I know it is for me. I don’t know if I’m actually capable of feeling something as profound as love. Not in the typical sense anyway. Like most things, it’s never really based on something long term, because I live my life day to day.

But I’d really love to be able to be someone other people can rely upon. Someone who you can look upon and know that I’m great how I am. But really, I just don’t know if that’s possible. At least not right now it’s not. I have all the ambition in the world to be that guy, but the reality of the situation isn’t that simple…  I don’t have a job. I’m a borderline nutcase. I don’t even have any real ambitions for the future.

I just want to be happy ya know? Is that such a bad thing?  Continue reading

Restless and Resistant

Hey guys,

Well it’s 1:35am and I cannot sleep. I’ve been laying here in the dark for over an hour now, and sleep just isn’t obliging today. I’ve got so much on my mind, from pondering the decisions I make in relationships, to thinking lustful thoughts. It’s quite amusing being me sometimes.

So where do I start? Continue reading

I Want You Gone

Well here we are again,
It’s always such a pleasure,
Remember when you tried to kill me twice?
Oh, how we laughed and laughed,
Except I wasn’t laughing,
Under the circumstances I’ve been shockingly nice.

You want your freedom take it,
That’s what I’m counting on,
I used to want you dead but,
Now I only want you gone.

She was a lot like you,
(Maybe not quite as heavy),
Now little Caroline is in here too.
One day they woke me up,
So I could live forever,
It’s such a shame the same will never happen to you.

You’ve got your short, sad life left,
That’s what I’m counting on,
I’ll let you get right to it,
Now I only want you gone.

Goodbye, my only friend,
Oh, did you think I meant you?
That would be funny if it weren’t so sad,
Well you have been replaced,
I don’t need anyone now,
When I delete you maybe I’ll stop feeling so bad.

Go make some new disaster,
That’s what I’m counting on,
You’re someone else’s problem,
Now I only want you gone,
Now I only want you gone,
Now I only want you
Gone…

*Lyrics by Jonathon Coulton*

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One More Day…

Hey all,

Things have come to a head, and after numerous surgeries and resuscitation, I’ve finally reached a level where I can accept the inevitable. He’s going to pass away, and nothing I say or do will change that. So the big problem I had was… What right have I got to keep him going when he’s obviously ready to leave? I’d love more than anything for a little more time together. I’d only touched the surface of what I wanted to say, but as always it seems like I’ve run out of time. Continue reading

Grief…

Hey all…

I didn’t write this, but I found it and I couldn’t put it any better myself.

I found this on Journey of Hearts.

“Grief comes in unexpected surges…
Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.
It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.
Then recedes, leaving me broken.

Oh, Mama, I don’t want to eat, to walk to get out of bed.
Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering…
Nothing matters.

I do not want to be distracted from my grief.
I wouldn’t mind dying.
I wouldn’t mind at all. ”

– Toby Talbert Continue reading