Fantasy

At times all I do is dream of her. The feeling of her hand in mine. The feel of her skin against mine, her scent filling my nostrils,  her taste on my lips. To hold her close,  to call her mine. I still want her. Just the thought of her drives me wild. And it never goes away. Never. 

I’ve always wanted to feel that closeness with someone and I’ve rarely been able to do so. 

I rarely find myself able to connect like that. Romantically at least. Every person I’ve even been intimate with was somewhat lacking. It wasn’t anything wrong with them, it was a problem with me. I’ve never made love, just fucked them. Fucking someone is just that,  fucking. Not that I like the term “making love” it sounds so hokey. But the truth is I’vef never surrendered myself to a person heart, body and soul. I’ve never had the chance really. And I’ve been with a lot of women waiting for the right one to come along. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m capable of feeling things. It just doesn’t happen very often. I’ve only loved 3 people in my whole life. I’ve dated a lot of women, but I’ve never really been in love with any of them. I’ve felt some serious affection for them, but I wasn’t in love. I guess I just hoped beyond hope that it would grow into something more. 

The overwhelming theme of my life is I love women who are unavailable. Does this mean I’m unlovable? Do I deserve this? Am I just fractured on the inside? An overwhelming feeling in my life is loneliness. I’ve always felt alone. For years and years it’s been this way. Casual sex only did so much to remove this feeling, but it always came back with a vengeance. 

I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing changes. It never goes away. And the ones I love are a million miles away. I’m used to being on my own, but I fucking hate it. I subconsciously choose this, but still I hope things will get better. 

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