Living with Hypersexuality and Ranting

Hey all,

Well today I’m going to go into what it’s like living with hypersexuality. This is going to get a little into the “too much information” category, and you have been warned. 

According to Wikipedia, Hypersexuality is the extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity. Hypersexuality is typically associated with lowered sexual inhibitions. Although hypersexuality can be caused by some medical conditions or medications, in most cases the cause is unknown. Medical conditions such as bipolar disorders can give rise to hypersexuality, and alcohol and some drugs can affect social and sexual inhibitions in some people. A number of theoretical models have been used to explain or treat hypersexuality. The most common one, especially in the popular media, is the sexual addiction approach, but sexologists have not reached any consensus. Alternative explanations for the condition include compulsive and impulsive behavioral models.

The International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10) of the World Health Organization includes “Excessive Sexual Drive” (coded F52.8),[2] which is divided into satyriasis for males and nymphomania for females, and “Excessive Masturbation” (coded F98.8).[3]

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) considered and rejected a proposal to add sexual addiction to its list of psychiatric disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). A proposal to include a diagnosis called hypersexual disorder, simply describing the symptom without implying any specific theory, is under consideration for inclusion in the appendix of the DSM, but not in the main list of official diagnoses.

Well there is the more clinical explanation. But in reality, it’s ruining my life in so many ways. I think about sex at the most inappropriate times. Hell most of the time. It’s something I love and hate about myself. I think about it all the time and sometimes I’d like a break. I have overwhelming urges and sometimes I have to sneak off and “take care of business” just to feel like a normal human being again. I often find me touching myself unconsciously. It’s allowed me to discover a from of pleasure from pain. Sometimes when I’m a position and I get turned on for no reason, I start punching myself in the thigh… really hard. It’s something I do when I’m anxious. It also gets me off, and helps me keep the urges at bay for the time being.

I can’t wait or hold back. It’s ruined relationships, friendships and generally makes people think I’m a deviant. I guess maybe I am, but I wish I could turn it off sometimes. It’s why sexual relationships are easier for me than emotional ones. If things get weird or too full on, I just move onto the next one. I’ve had a number of sexual partners and I’m not proud of that. But I tried to wait, for love, for the right girl to come into my life. But like the werewolf fears the moon, I fear my urges. I’ve never met a girl who could ever understand this, nor me for that matter. It makes me so lonely. You have no idea.

Perhaps it’s a by product of my abusive childhood. Maybe it’s a symptom of the bipolar and anxiety disorders. Maybe even it’s a subconscious need to feel affection, intimacy and love, something I’ve never really known in my life… I can honestly say that I’ve never “made love” nor have I ever had sex with someone who I have real genuine feelings for. The feelings tend to come later, and it’s based on the affection and intimacy. Which isn’t exactly “real” if that makes sense… It makes me sad when I think about it.

I tend to find people with whom sex is something we both crave and enjoy, so there’s no real waiting period, and I get caught up in the sexting and the innuendo and the anticipation. I love how the creativity sweeps over me.

I feel like such an asshole. I wish I could be that guy, who takes his time getting to know someone. I wish I could find something that isn’t based on the sex. It makes me more lonely and miserable than I could have imagined.

Only once have I felt something akin to love, and I couldn’t ruin that because she lived on the other side of the country so there was never a relationship to ruin. But I did love her. Hell I still do. But life takes people in different directions, and as much as i hate it, I have to move on. Can keep holding a candle for something unattainable after all. I suppose what I’m concerned about most, is that I like someone. Like someone in Melbourne. It’s nothing like what I feel for HER, but there is some genuine affection there and I’d like to try to see where it goes. There are circumstances as always that make this whole situation completely not ideal, but I can’t help how she makes me feel. I just am scared that my urges will drive them away. I don’t know if she’d ever see me in that way. And even if she did, is it even possible for me to wait that long? I’ve cheated on some awesome girls before, and they never deserved it. But I was such a fuck up back then.

I guess that wont be such a problem now I’ve stopped the drugs and alcohol. But the overwhelming urges are still there. How on earth can I control that? Nothing has ever worked. It’s both exciting and a prison sentence to have overwhelming sexual desires. I think what sums me up best is a quote from Jessica Rabbit.

“I’m not bad… I’m just drawn that way.”

I miss my muse. I think about her every single day. She still gives me strength and makes me sadder than I ever believed was possible. But life goes on. Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. Sometimes I’d just love a little bit of happiness in my life. I don’t know if it’s even possible, but I still hope it can be.

I’m still learning to live with myself and everything that’s happened to me. I’m still learning to accept my flaws and imperfections. I’m still trying to find that one defining moment, where all this makes sense. I still can’t find it. Maybe I’ll always be looking. Maybe I’ll always love her. Maybe it will be different. But the reality is, that things have to change.

Because one way or another it’s going to kill me.

Till next time.

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